Many people wish to find eternal love, the partnership for life. But eternal love is not only difficult to find, it is also difficult to keep. Especially in times of online dating, where acquaintances are changed as often as socks.
Psychology professor and therapist Kathy McCoy revealed her secrets to eternal love on Psychology Today. In her account of eternal love, McCoy recounts a situation on the eve of her wedding when a friend gave her a letter. The author advised McCoy, along with wishes for mutual growth and happiness, “(…) that marriage does not preclude periods of loneliness, depression, or other typically human problems.” Looking back, after 46 years of marriage, McCoy describes this tip as one of the most important ones she’s ever received on the subject of love. If you want a relationship for a lifetime, you have to constantly work on yourself and on the relationship. After almost half a century of marriage and a lot of professional expertise in this field, she advises the following behaviors.
Realistic expectations Excessively high expectations of the partner also have a lot of potential to be disappointed. McCoy himself says that a relationship is always a rollercoaster ride, with good times and bad times. Many marriages fail because of a fairytale idea and when these expectations do not come true, the spouses often give up too quickly. In addition, one must never forget that each partner is primarily responsible for their own happiness. One must not oblige the other to be the savior or bringer of all salvation.
A relationship needs to be a safe placeIn a relationship, it’s important to be able to be who you are. But that doesn’t mean that a couple always has to agree. Quarrels and friction are also part of eternal love. The only important thing is that you don’t go below the belt in arguments. McCoy advises, “Creating security in a relationship means avoiding repressed anger, scathing comments, unnecessary criticism, or hurtful threats. It means good communication, even in the heat of conflict — it’s hard work, staying confident even in conflict, to feel and give in a transparent, respected and authentic way.”
Positive ThinkingIn any long term relationship there will be moments when you just get annoyed with your partner. Perhaps he or she has become messier or is repeating the same behaviors that have already been criticized. Yes, it can drive you insane, but how about looking at it the other way around? The therapist gives this perspective: Yes, he is very untidy, but he has a great sense of humor, is caring and loving. Fixating on the negative traits pulls you down. Of course you have to weigh how fundamental the negative is, but if you can live with that, just look past it and see the good. McCoy advises forgiveness and going back to what makes the relationship special.
There are crises in every relationship. The path to eternal love often leads past many crises. Hardly any love doesn’t go through one or the other valley. “No marriage is immune to crises: financial struggles, the loss of loved ones, layoffs, or problems with children. A crisis can tear a couple apart—or bring them closer if they choose to work through the problem together as a team,” so the therapist. It is a decision to walk through a valley together. Couples who manage to do this often emerge stronger from the crisis.
It’s the little things in lifeIt doesn’t always have to be the big gifts and vacations that show the appreciation of the relationship. On the contrary, the small joys of everyday life bring much more to eternal love. The expert’s tip: “Write down what makes your partner happy and surprise him or her with a gesture of affection – a special gift, a note, a warm hug – it can do a lot to keep your love alive receive.”
Laughter connects optics fades, but humor lasts a lifetime. Laughing and having fun with your partner is half the battle and a sign that love could be made to last. It doesn’t matter whether it’s joint TV shows, stand-up comedy events, the little teasing in everyday life or huge puns, humor connects.
Being there for each otherThe partner should ideally be the best friend, the love of life and the partner in crime. Lasting love means being there for each other, listening, and giving each other a shoulder to lean on as best you can. Doing things like boring visits to relatives that are only important to your partner and making compromises is part of it. But it’s also important to share your feelings with others. If you are afraid, have concerns or something similar, you should be able to tell your partner.
You need air to breathe and space to grow. A partnership also consists of two individuals who have to develop themselves. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re stagnant as a symbiosis. The therapist advises: “Some spouses resist change and growth because they fear that the partner will evolve away. (…) However, more and more couples are finding that when they encourage each other to grow, they fall in love all over again and encourage positive change in all phases of their lives together.”
also read
Study proves: You can determine right from the start how long the relationship will last
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Five things I wish I knew about love earlier in life
Quelle: Psychology Today
