Hello Ms. Peirano,
I (male, 34) feel a bit silly because I’m actually very lucky and many people would certainly like to trade places with me. But I don’t feel that lucky, I’m more afraid of myself and the next step. All my friends (and my girlfriend) tell me that I have a fear of commitment.
I have been with my girlfriend for three years. She is a great woman and overall we get along very well. She is 31 and would like to slowly get down to business. She repeatedly brought up the topic of moving in together, which really makes sense because of the rent savings, also because of the distances, getting there, and the prospect of children.
I agreed and we are moving into a nice 3-room apartment in three months. I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but I’ve been worried ever since that it won’t work. I am distant, even though I don’t want to be, and I look for arguments over small things. Then I thought for a long time and kept thinking about my last relationship. I lived with my ex-girlfriend and things went completely wrong.
She was clingy and always wanted to know where I was and when I was coming home. She complained that I didn’t spend as much time with her and she dominated everything. Her mother and her friends came in and out of our house, she decorated the apartment in such a kitschy, flowery style and set a lot of rules. I didn’t feel comfortable at all and moved out again after almost a year.
Everything is going better now. But my current girlfriend annoys me on one point: she has a small dog (pug) that is a bit older and stinks. She pampers this dog and he is allowed to go anywhere, for example sitting on the sofa, lying in bed. At least he’s allowed to do that in her apartment. I find that repulsive, even if I haven’t said it like that yet out of consideration. I can imagine this becoming a problem.
What do you advise me?
Best regards, Julian V.
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. During my doctorate, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or heartache? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
Dear Julian V.,
I can reassure you on one point: Most people are afraid of commitment. Even those who are fully committed to a partner and make the relationship the center of their life have fears of commitment (just a little different than you).
I think that there is a point for every person somewhere where he or she says: If a relationship requires me to make too many sacrifices and compromises, then I get scared and want to run away. Actually, that’s a good thing for self-protection! After all, we want to feel comfortable in a relationship and not bend or give up on ourselves!
For some people the willingness to compromise is greater, for others it is less willing. But ultimately it’s always about taking a close look at the small and large decisions that need to be made in a relationship and staying in touch with your own feelings. These same feelings can help you make decisions with your girlfriend that are right for both of you.
Regarding your last relationship, it sounds like you didn’t have much to say and your girlfriend imposed her own idea of a relationship on you. She furnished the apartment the way she liked, set rules that suited her, invited visitors she liked and also controlled how much time you should spend with her.
You are a burnt child, so to speak, and this has increased your fears of commitment. Did you defend yourself against it at the time and clearly state that you wanted it to be different?
If you didn’t do it and swallowed your feelings, obviously the anger, the annoyance that you needed to isolate yourself and assert yourself, has turned into fear and helplessness. That’s what you’re carrying around with you now and it’s weighing on you when you think about moving in with your current girlfriend. That’s quite a legacy!
My suggestion would be that you don’t be ashamed of your fears of commitment or try to get rid of them. That won’t work anyway. Feelings that you ignore tend to cause you a lot more trouble in the long run. Welcome fears of commitment and ask what they have to say to you! You’ve already done it to some extent: you’ve admitted to yourself the fear that you’ll have to give up on yourself again and endure things you don’t like. For example, tolerating an old, smelly pug in your bed.
As a next step, I would recommend that you take your fears very seriously and view them as a skeptical part of yourself. There are also other parts of your inner team, for example the part that loves your girlfriend and is looking forward to a future with her. What other parts can you identify when you think about the shared apartment? You can invite all of these parts of you to the table and let them have their say. You can also write this down for yourself.
The skeptical, fearful part has seen you shortchanged before, and they definitely don’t want to experience that again. This is a very valuable message! How about you make a firm promise to this part that you will speak up in the future if you don’t like something and make sure that all solutions and rules in your relationship are acceptable to you?
Two recommended books:
Oskar Holzberg, “Love has no rules. A relationship does”, Verlag Herder
Stefanie Stahl,”Everyone is capable of relationships. The golden path between freedom and closeness”, Kailash
It’s best to start now, three months before the move, and talk in detail about what’s important to you. If you don’t find solutions in theory, it will probably be even more difficult in practice, i.e. in living together. That would be a red flag that shows you that the shared apartment is not suitable.
Also talk about your doubts about the dog and ask whether you can find an agreement (no dog in bed or on the sofa). And then take a mental step further and imagine that everyone, no matter how small Point in your relationship is discussed together.
Some examples:
How and where can you retreat in your apartment?
Can everyone be alone in the apartment sometimes, e.g. for a weekend, and how is that planned?
How many evenings a week do you really want to spend together and how is that planned? And how many evenings does everyone have free time?
What household tasks does everyone take on? Do you generally cook and shop for both of you or does everyone have freedom (like in a shared apartment)?
Are there areas in the apartment that are only for one of you? Or at least only for one at a certain period of time? (E.g.: I have the living room tomorrow evening because a friend is coming / I’ll be in the home office on Tuesday and Thursday…)
How are furniture/leisure activities/vacation decisions made?
Are there such things as taboos or prohibitions when living together?
Just imagine that you discuss every single point in your relationship with your girlfriend and always try to find solutions that both of you agree with. This applies to the basic rules (see above), but also to every individual situation in which something is currently not right for you. Appropriate boundaries and the preservation of autonomy are important issues that need to be clarified. Only those who experience autonomy and freedom in a relationship can reduce their fear of commitment.
How afraid would you be of living together or of the failure of living together if you consistently lived by the mantra “I’ll talk about everything”? So what if you don’t swallow anything anymore, but instead address everything in a friendly manner and look for solutions with your girlfriend? I hope that you will be able to accept your fears a little better and use them as an advisor. Then you no longer have to endure so many things that scare you.
And another tip: If you realize that you really don’t want to move in with your girlfriend, you can also say no. Leave this option open. Because only those who can say no can really say yes.
Herzlich GrüßeJulia Peirano
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