Dear Ms Peirano,
Ten years ago I (55) met my current husband Christian (60). What I never thought possible became true: He is my absolute dream man and becomes even more so with each passing year. We harmonize very well, also in our blended family with four adult children, with our horses, travel, our attitude to life.
Although I had been with my daughter’s father for a long time and was also married, I never really got involved with anyone and never trusted them 100 percent. And neither did Christian before we met.
We always say that we both inhabit the lonely planet that each of us used to live on together, and it’s beautiful that way.
However, there is one rather unusual problem that I have never heard of from other couples. Christian takes great care of his body, does sport, is (pleasantly) vain and well-groomed, eats healthily and only drinks moderately. But very strange and frequent accidents happened to him throughout his life. I’ve never heard anything like that from other men! However, not like others through high-risk sports (motorcycling, climbing), but in everyday life, in sports, cycling, handicrafts.
A few examples: As a child and teenager he sustained about eight hospital injuries and fractures while playing ball games.
Twelve years ago he had tinnitus due to stress, which fortunately has only been mild for two years.
Knees, hips, feet and back keep hurting him for weeks or months due to wear and tear or overexertion.
Then there are the accidents. In our ten years he saw off a piece of his finger with a circular saw, slipped on stairs in his socks and fell down a steep flight of stairs, had three bicycle accidents (needed stitches, concussion, lacerations), was kicked by one of our horses and fell for four weeks out. Thank goodness there wasn’t a car accident. He got caught in fog while climbing a mountain and wandered around the abyss – it could have gone so wrong.
Christian is actually a very prudent, clever and far-sighted man, and that’s exactly why I can’t understand at all why this is happening to him. At first I thought, “Too bad, poor thing,” but with each subsequent event, I become more shocked and anxious. And frankly, angry and dismissive too.
I have to say that as a teenager I was twice life-threateningly ill (due to a congenital organ defect) and at the age of 18 I had a serious riding accident that was my fault and which could have been fatal. A horse fell on my stomach! It was only by a miracle that I got out of there unscathed.
My father was also seriously ill for 15 years due to a motorcycle accident, until he finally died as a result. And yet my father was anything but careful and continued to drive, for example, even with my children once when he could hardly see. That’s why I’m very careful and avoid risks wherever I can. In other words, I prefer to take the train on vacation to driving, ride my bike carefully and with a helmet, and choose my sports based on the low risk of injury.
I’m a burned kid! Christian sometimes hides or downplays his injuries from me and I don’t know how to reach him anymore. I really want to teach him to be careful with his body. For you and also for me and our life together on our planet. But the conversations are quite resinous and hardened. He asks me why I accuse him of having an accident and that the accidents are unrelated, that it can happen to anyone. Only after the last very stressful argument did he agree to get help.
How can I help him, how can he help himself? I’m getting more and more anxious because I wouldn’t want to live without him under any circumstances, and I also don’t want him to be in need of care like my father was.
Best regards and thank you,
Rebecca T.
Dear Rebecca T,
You’re right: your story and your conflict is really a bit unusual. But I’m happy for you that you’ve obviously found the right partner and your great love and “actually” live happily with him on your beautiful planet.
Of course, there is always a price to pay for loving someone, and that price is fear of loss. I thought long and hard about getting another cat because some of my cats were run over and the last cat died of old age after 15 years as a dearly loved family member. With partners, children or friends, this fear is a constant companion.
Loved ones or animals are just not replaceable, and that’s why there is always a certain fear.
You seem to have developed a motto for life through the accidents and events that happened to you as a teenager and with your father. I understand it like this: It is very precious to have a healthy body and accident or illness can destroy or destroy the beautiful life at any time. So do EVERYTHING to stay healthy.
Christian partly lives by this motto: He eats healthy, takes time for his family and interests, keeps fit and is generally prudent and forward-looking.
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. In my PhD, I researched the relationship between relationship personality and happiness in love, and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or lovesickness? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
With this personality structure in particular, it is even more strange that he injures himself so often!
The accidents seem to suit someone who is careless, dreamy or hectic.
It sounds to me as if there are two parts of Christian’s personality in this area that are either deadly enemies or don’t know each other at all: One (conscious and active) part is careful and careful, pays attention to his body , and the other part is (probably unconsciously) driven by something that can also lead to injuries. Running down a slope in the fog is playing with fire and could have ended badly. Walking down a slippery staircase in socks also went wrong.
Unconscious personality traits also play a role, for example, if you “forget” something that makes you uncomfortable or if you’re wasting time and are late (e.g. to visit your mother-in-law). Or if you send off the application but write the wrong address on the envelope and miss the deadline.
Uncovering these unconscious personality traits isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. Because only when you know them and know what drives them can you deal with them. You may have learned that after an injury you get more love from your parents than usual (positive reinforcement), that you don’t have to go to school (nothing unpleasant), that you are celebrated for your scars and considered a “hero”. Whatever works here, it would definitely be worth it if it were revealed.
Christian’s behavior sounds like misconditioning on this point. It may also be that in certain phases of his life he had to endure and perform more than was good for him (the tinnitus indicates this) and he has gotten into the habit of just going on, going fast, even when it is the moment is foggy or the stairs are too slippery.
Hypnotherapists (psychotherapists who have been trained in clinical hypnosis) can access these unconscious parts relatively quickly, and that is the most important step.
That would be my recommendation, so that Christian and his “reasonable” part take care that you both can live healthy and safe together for a long time and that the conflict between you is then resolved.
At the moment they are given the function of speaking for Christian’s body and saying: “Take care of me (your body), you are hurting and endangering me!” Because Christian doesn’t perceive the risks as you do.
It doesn’t do that much good if you play that role (and by the way, his knees, feet, hips, and back would have something to say about it, if you just listened to them). Instead, it would be good if Christian could gain more access to his body and treat him like a child who needs to be protected from danger.
As a first step, Christian could also create a sketch of his body and enter the previous injuries with the year and cause. That would definitely be an eye opener!
Best regards
Julia Peirano
