A story of my life I’ve shared so far, never with someone. A single girlfriend and my youngest brother knew it. As an adult woman, it hurts, if you think about it, what was done to a young woman. There was Tony, my first great love. He was the type of “bad guy” and sat therefore also been in prison. I was right influenced conservative. I was shy, and full with the Complex, because I’m stuck in an eating disorder. Every word out of his mouth I put on the gold scale.
alcohol and drugs
was not in a good way, drank a lot of alcohol and took drugs, which I had not noticed in my naivety once. He was hitting me for other women, and I thought also: “I understand, you are more beautiful than me. As long as he stays with me, that’s okay.“ What a way to unhealthy thinking! In part, I listened to days of nothing from him, until he stood with the sweetest “I’m sorry!” again in front of me. I had no idea how addicted to drugs, he was really …
relationship fails
As I was full of Complexes, in terms of my own body, it was Easy for me to keep him physically at a distance to me. Of course, I had the words of my grandma in the back of my head and I had my values in front of eyes. But either way, I wanted to not let me touch, because I felt, despite a below-weight fat and ugly. Him, but at some point it became too stupid and the relationship failed, in fact, at this point. Long have I been grieving after him. How many times have I sat on a bench in front of the Restaurant of his parents, just to see him briefly from a distance.
knock-out drops in a Drink
years later, we met again. I was just about to get my eating disorder in the handle, had again increased and was completely surprised that he wanted me back yet. What I had not noticed once again due to my naivety in a timely manner, was that he wanted to get only what he had not get at that time. On a beautiful evening he invited me generously to the food, was super charming and filled me aware of it. I drank at the time, very rarely even have a SIP of alcohol, but on this night he poured again and again. Probably to make sure that would rise his Plan. In retrospect, I understood that he had me mixed knock-out drops in my drink, because I was very quickly completely gone.
blood on the bed sheets
Since you didn’t know back then so on the subject of knock-out drops know, let alone said anything, of which I also had no idea. So I was knocked out completely. That night he got under the influence of drugs, what he had not got before. I just know that I eventually came in his small apartment on a simple mattress that lay on the floor, back to me and he ends up with a blood nose in the bathroom ran. At the time, I didn’t even know that you can get the Cokes. And I saw the sheets, blood on the bed … The relationship was terminated. He had to get what he wanted. I had played with the fire and me badly burned. What I had kept so carefully, was taken away from me. And I no longer have to be ashamed of me so terribly that I wanted to go home.
Feel broken and unworthy
I let my girlfriend pick it up and stayed with her. The next few days and nights I cried, only. I was so incredibly empty, had such pain and was at the end. Of course, I was also scared to be pregnant! Shortly after that was Easter. I had to let me on good Friday in the Church look, otherwise my parents would have asked questions. And I also wanted to so much! I wanted to be in the proximity of God, but I dared hardly. I felt so broken, so unworthy. I felt like the biggest hypocrite and sinner on earth … I had destroyed everything!
life on the wall dangers
I sat in one of the last rows, as the Pastor of Jesus is told, the, our debt to the cross. However, it really is easy to listen to, only more hurt, how much pain Jesus for me had taken. In vain. Because I had everything screwed up! “Déborah, for you not a problem anymore! You lost that access for always! Don’t you see, how dirty are you? How disgusting? Since you can stand still for so long in the shower. Everyone can see it! You’ve driven your life on the wall!“
lying in the head
anyone Who has experienced abuse, understands very quickly what I’m talking about. Something happens in our minds, we immediately think: “I am myself to blame! Probably I provoked it” to: “Sooooo bad it wasn’t!”. That’s why I spoke never about it, because I thought for years: “It was my fault!” No, it wasn’t just! Point. Such a thing should not happen to anyone of us! Your body, your soul, YOU’re so precious! And if you’ve experienced something, then it is high time to destroy the lies in your head that tell you: “You do not deserve it differently!”
The truth is: “You’re innocent!”
I’m so, so sorry, if you need to experience abuse test, because it is something that you can throw your life off track! But it doesn’t have to! You can and you will again smile and can trust, if you dig into this Situation with the truth, you test! And the truth is: “You’re innocent! You’re healthy!“
Even if you should have provoked such a Situation, even if you have made mistakes: No man on earth has a right to your body without your permission! And what is you have been taken, the want to give you the one that created you, and back again! You’re not what happened to you. Because you’re worth something.
Déborah Rosenkranz is a singer, songwriter, author and speaker. The article comes from her book, “Is it worth to you”.
This article has been more and more conspiracy theories written by Déborah Rosenkranz: Are you a good survival strategy? PCP, more and more conspiracy theories: Are they a good survival strategy?
*The post “rape victim of her Trauma: “no one is self-published debt”” is of Family.de. Contact with the executives here.
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