Dear Ms. Peirano,
I am 37 and live in a relationship. I want a family and now everyone around me is having children except me. My sister, who is younger than me, is actually having her third child. All of my friends already have children or are currently pregnant. And in our house and in the neighborhood I see: strollers, cargo bikes, small children.
I can’t even be really happy for my sister because I’m under so much pressure myself, and I also find it difficult with my friends. Sometimes I cry because I feel like an outsider and I’m afraid that I won’t be able to have a family.
My boyfriend and I only met 3 years ago and we have been trying to have a child for the past two years. We recently went for fertility treatment. His values are fine, mine are still being examined. But neither of us are the youngest anymore. He’s 42, I’m 37. We’ve already gone through the alternatives if things don’t work out. Adoption would be difficult and isn’t really for me. I would love to have a child of my own.
I’m now annoyed that I let it slide for so long. Until two years ago I was relatively relaxed about it and thought: If it happens, it happens. If not, that’s ok too. But then I met my boyfriend and now I really want it.
Apart from that, I actually have a very full life. A boyfriend, an interesting job, friends, a nice home, good contact with my parents. But now I think that without children I would miss a lot in life.
Do you have any ideas on how I can loosen up again?
Miriam H.
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. During my doctorate, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or heartache? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
Dear Miriam H.,
When I read your lines, I asked myself what suddenly triggered this change in you. Two to three years ago you seemed to be very relaxed about the idea of having children, and it seems that this has done you a lot of good.
And since some variables have changed in your life, the option of having a good life without kids seems to have completely disappeared.
I would advise you to first meet mentally and in your imagination with the younger, relaxed Miriam, who says: If I have children, it’s okay. If not, that’s ok too. Let’s see.
Take a look at old photos from that time, remember your life (which apartment, which friends, which job, what was important back then) and get closer to this younger Miriam. And then ask her what exactly she had in mind with the option: If I don’t have children, that’s okay too.
How exactly did you imagine your life and future? What was life filled with? What advantages and freedoms did she see for herself? And one more thing: Why is your life now “actually” completely fulfilled? What does “actually” mean?
Why not talk to your friends and colleagues who don’t have children and are happy about that? I can also imagine that not all women around you suddenly have children. Take a look at other people, especially women who can no longer have children and are happy with it.
If you have so much contact with friends with children, what do these women tell you? Isn’t there a lot of talk about exhaustion, feelings of guilt towards the child, self-sacrifice and time pressure? How about you listen carefully to this side of the coin and imagine whether you would see yourself in the situation with a small child. A detailed examination of reality can sometimes be very helpful, and that is exactly what I advise you to do.
Women in particular, who need a lot of time for themselves, their job, their partnership, sports, friends and their interests, sometimes suffer greatly from being so externally determined by children. I have accompanied some women who were very stressed and overwhelmed by it for years.
How about you consciously look at the negative and stressful sides of family life, listen to them and ask your sister and friends about them? And what if you also become more aware of the positive aspects of your current childless life and perhaps write them down?
In any case, I would recommend that you get back to the attitude you had a few years ago. If it works, it’s nice. If not, that’s good too. You can come up with a few ideas about how you would fill your life differently if things didn’t work out with a child.
Of course, there are no simple patent solutions. For many women it helps if they have an ideal “baby” and, for example, become self-employed with something very fulfilling. A friend has an agency for individual trips to Africa and Asia – she is aware that she would not be able to do this project with children. Other couples open a small family hotel or set up a yoga center. That would be one approach.
For dog fans, one or more dogs sometimes play a bit of child set. They need a lot of care, give a lot of love, need to be cared for and loved…
Or you can think about a few trips you want to take with your partner. In any case, there should be two life plans again, as they already existed. This has worked best for you for many years and is something you can find your way back to.
We also recommend the books “I am a woman without children” by Susanne Zehetbauer and “The Future. An Instruction Manual” by Florence Gaub.
The latter book takes away fears and shows exactly how we can think and shape our future. I hope this gets you back to the casualness you already had.
Herzlich GrüßeJulia Peirano
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