The concept of lifelong monogamy has been under criticism since at least the 1968s. Most people stick to it, even if fewer and fewer people manage to do it “for life”. Despite the crisis in marriage, expectations of monogamy have increased in recent decades. “More than ever, people expect their partner to meet all their needs (e.g. educational, financial, security, intellectual, social and creative skills) and not someone else’s,” writes Professor Ashley Thompson. Open relationships and a promiscuous life are in vogue.
Whether monogamy is over and the age of “open relationships” or polyamory has begun, as the dating portal Ashley Madison announces in the report “The Next Generation of Non-Monogamy”, because its own users can see it that way one doubt. A portal like Ashley Madison is also referred to as a “cheating platform”, it’s more about adventure and not about marriage. But at least a minority supports and lives the concept. In a poll, 65 percent of Ashley Madison members said they didn’t believe in monogamy at all. 82 percent of Ashley Madison members said their ideal relationship type right now is something non-monogamous. But 18 percent of Germans want the same thing – almost a fifth across all age and faith groups. This suggests that in some milieus the value is far higher – since in others it will be lower.
Regardless of the dating platform, the model “steady relationship” plus other erotic adventures is actually trendy, says couples therapist Andrea Bräu. Ten years ago, “open relationships” were not an issue at all in her work, says Bräu. “Today an open relationship is definitely an issue. I can say that the increase is reflected in my practice.”
Bräu has had a relationship practice in Munich for almost 20 years. She advises the portal, based on practical experience, she also sees the problems with the “open relationship” trend. This is a daring experiment, a step that needs to be carefully considered, says Bräu. “I think that’s only for very sophisticated people. Someone who just wants permission to cheat will fail.”
Andrea Bräu knows two motivations: suffering or curiosity. “People want to reduce their suffering. There are people who suffer a lot sexually in their relationship, but know that everything else fits 100 percent. And then there are the people who say I’m curious, I want to have adventures. I am too young to just be content with the status quo.” She encounters open relationships above all with very young people. “So not at all with people in mid-life crisis, where you would expect it, but with people in their mid-twenties.” No wonder. People who are already in a stable relationship in their early 20s experience in their environment that a lively “party and hook-up” phase can last into their 30s, while they may be sitting at home with small children and living this life passes them.
Being a therapist means that at least one of the clients’ partners has a problem with the concept. “If a couple agrees and says we can do it, let’s try that now, I don’t see them. People who have a problem with the concept come to me. To put it bluntly: where the other person should be changed.” It may come as a surprise that men are not necessarily the driving force. In the cited poll of Ashley Madison users, 13 percent of men on Ashley Madison said they had a non-monogamous relationship with their partner, compared to 26 percent of women, twice as many.
Even if a partner is not enthusiastic or even shocked by the desire for an open relationship, it is worthwhile to deal with the topic and not brusquely reject the partner, says Bräu. And points to a paradox. An open relationship often causes astonishment and rejection, while the covert variant – cheating – is almost commonplace. Andrea Bräu sees a clear advantage. “I’ve worked in this field for a long time. I know affairs, infidelities and all that. The bad thing is less the cheating itself, but the many lies surrounding it.” The secrecy poisons the relationship and that is avoided with an open relationship.
Highly nuanced – that means couples must be willing to ask uncomfortable questions and account for their fears and desires. First you have to deal with the slight. “I’m not enough, why does he want that? Why does she want that? That often means a reduction in self-esteem as well.”
“Why should I want that? Does the fear of losing my partner prevail if I don’t agree? I don’t think fear is a good basis for something like this to work.”
Then you have to differentiate. Maybe you don’t like the idea, but maybe you can get involved with it. “What reservations do I have behind it? It’s worth dealing with it and not saying in advance that it’s out of the question.” For the rather unwilling partner, the question arises whether he wants to go along with this or whether he runs the risk of possibly losing the relationship altogether. Andrea Bräu thinks that the open relationship is often just a phase. Especially for those who think they are missing something. “There are only a few people who have affairs for years. Often something has built up that wants to make room for itself.”
But unpleasant truths also emerge. For example, that a partner has a much lower sexual interest, or that a partner experiences a fetishization of his sexuality that the other does not like to go along with. An open relationship is not a panacea. In couples therapy it can also come out that there are deep problems in the relationship and tensions in life planning that cannot be solved with a few erotic adventures.
