This text comes from the stern archive and first appeared in May 2023.

I was standing in a crowd when I realized I couldn’t be faithful. And it doesn’t even want to be. The music was loud and there was a good looking guy across from me. He looked into my eyes and I immediately felt this tingling sensation. I paused briefly and looked back at him. It was that look that said it all. It signals: I’m interested in you.

Surprised by the feeling that welled up within me, I turned around and left. I fled to the toilet. “What was that?” I thought to myself. That one moment completely threw me off course. I knew if I went back now anything could happen. Maybe we would kiss. Maybe we would exchange numbers. Or maybe I would wake up next to him tomorrow morning. There was no way this was supposed to happen. Because I was married.

Shortly afterwards I was in the taxi home, but I couldn’t get the guy out of my head. It had felt so good – the butterflies in my stomach. Should I give up on that? The rest of my life? I was in my early 30s, a mother for a year and had a wonderful husband. We had been together for many years and loved each other. As I looked out the window in the taxi, I thought about how I couldn’t have that feeling I just felt with him. No matter how much we love each other, that “first time feeling,” that tingling, that excitement, that crush, all of that can only be experienced with a person you get to know for the first time. With which you are not as familiar as with your partner. So there were only two options: either give it up forever or cheat.

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