As a professional Coach, I have to admit: I’m always amazed at how many women are willing to be in their spare time as volunteers, Psychiatrists, and therapists on-the-go. Subject: complicated guys. What to use for the time and effort, you often have to analyze a potential or current Partner and improve! The own experience has shown always At the end, he remains as he was.
of Course, you can say: “I don’t need Hobbies. My Partner is my project. I showed him how to dress better, with manage money, and get in the bed at times other thinks. Next, we are going to practice ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’.” But then you don’t have a relationship, but a nursing relationship. It is useful to seek to understand the Partner and to promote the relationship. At the same time, there are limits.
Here you will find five basic rules for this area. They will help you to see your Partner as equal adults and to treat. Not as someone to save you first, or need to change it to heal. This will save a lot of time and frustration. So you can see quickly who is the Wrong: Not ready for a relationship, or at least not now and with you. Then it is better to limit your losses. Book recommendation (display)
“no more do I: How do you separates you and the other makes you suffer” by Attila Albert
To the book on Amazon About the experts
Attila Albert is a author and a certified Coach, trained at the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC) in Los Angeles and Chicago, and offers Workshops around the topic of career and communication. He published now his latest book “I do: How do you separates you and the other makes you suffer”.
1. You are not to the Hobby-psychiatrist
It has become popular to explain unusual behavior with a psychiatric self-diagnoses. He may be a narcissist (“lack of empathy”), a Board liner (“disregard of the feelings of others”) or a Psychopath (“superficial charm”)? Possible. Maybe he is but also healthy to the core and has a problematic character.
For a more serious diagnosis would have to question him for a psychiatric professional to assess. He studied for six to seven years, and thereafter clinically practiced. There are criteria for personality disorders and mental illnesses. Everything else is guesswork. You help anyone and would be a real sick damage.
As a partner, you should not even come into this role. Men can you explain just with a psychiatric diagnosis, they may recommend a medical expert. Otherwise, you should make a bow to you. In the cell block, on Facebook entfreunden and as few thoughts of you are wasting.
2. You don’t excuse every behavior
the same occurs to the fact, inappropriate to excuse social behavior with psychological interpretations. He is really an “introvert of the head man,” and not just a grouch? “Too emotional, he feels too deep” or just impatient? “Too often disappointed, and therefore not yet ready for a new relationship” or not only immature, far beyond the 40?
Some understanding woman had to find that he was very comfortable for relationship, marriage and children – only for a different. That he was able to behave very well, once his boss and the colleagues sitting next to it. All the beautiful statements that you had placed ready, were apparently only for certain people.
here it Also applies that you can expect from a Partner adult behaviour, and should. Each has its peculiarities that you have to accept in a relationship with a loving patience. But a minimum level of communication, Engagement and Consultation are mandatory. Otherwise, you should spend no time together.
3. Thoughts your task
is not read by Some of the men heads for crystal balls and want to peer steadfastly into it: What thoughts could have been read out, what are the hidden desires to find and meet? Problematic relations give a quite false ambition: “My Partner is not talking with me! This can only mean that we understand us without words.”
autism is a disease. Not a Lifestyle that should be enthusiastic about seeking. You are not there to have a glimpse of continuously the needs of the other. Of course, it is good to show empathy, to be considerate and sensitive. But you don’t always need to all think for themselves. Every adult has the responsibility to communicate.
so, do not be tempted, or even to blackmail, to be a mind reader: “If you love me, do you understand me!” Surround yourself with someone that is communicated to you in a positive way. You encourage someone else to do at the beginning is from shyness or inexperience still hard – but that’s not infinite.
4. You don’t talk to him, about him
a Lot of talk with all sorts of people about the soul of your partner’s life – just not with him. Mom confirmed that he behaves inappropriately? What are the little sister and the best friend says? How is the evaluation in the Facebook group, and has not made the well-Known from the sports course, also had similar experiences?
A conversation with a person you trust can be helpful. Ideally, this is not just someone who has managed to never have a longer relationship with. Generally speaking, you should discuss relationship problems with your Partner. This is less easy to complain than somewhere else in the world about him, but only at the right address.
you See such talks as an important Check: Can you talk at all to each other – each other do, listen, respond appropriately? If not, has the whole relationship with little future and you can plan accordingly. Even a professionally guided couple therapy requires that both want and work.
5. They help when needed, but not constantly
If you want to actually be like as a therapist or a social worker, you should make the appropriate training, and then for each call pay. Or, alternatively, a volunteer at the Church, aid for refugees, or in the Association for abandoned duration complainers to offer. A relationship is the wrong place for duration of the help.
you don’t have to analyze, explore or improve, and should also let. It incapacitated her Gegennüber, it brings your relationship in the wrong location and you will not be thanked at the end. You may be able to help for years and must, if the conclusion is still listening: “I never thought you’re so selfish!”
you End a relationship based on pity. This is not to say that you can’t support then, about an Ex-Partner, who often has money problems, again something to stick. But this is done under different conditions, namely voluntary and in individual cases. Some guys need to learn your lesson, so it is finally better.
Each of the five basic rules to help you, the Balance between in addition to and Type restore. You are responsible for yourself and not exhaust themselves in order, that another adult is to re-educate or to push something. For example, If your Partner finds for the last ten years new explanations for why he can’t go with you, even though you want the, not it’s up to you. You are wasting your time.
Devote your force to their own activities, be they professional or private. Say what you want – even if it is seemingly delicate things like a marriage and desire to have children. So you are an attractive, self-employed partner for someone interesting who shares your basic ideas. Too much time and for the Wrong she keeps on this way and distracts you.
See you in the PCP you can See in the
