Women should help women: The relationship expert Ruth Marquardt and the lawyer Sandra Günther take this motto seriously when they published a book together called “When Love Becomes Toxic”. They talk about their own ordeal and give tips on how to free yourself from an unhealthy partnership and find yourself again.
Are women more likely to be victims of toxic relationships and psychological abuse? If so, why?Sandra Günther: 80 percent of the victims of toxic relationships are women. This is not least due to the balance of power between men and women. As a rule, women are smaller and therefore weaker than men. But I also have to say that men are even less willing to make it public if they have been victims of psychological violence, for example.
Ruth Marquardt: The current figures speak for themselves. According to media reports, cases of domestic violence increased by almost ten percent in 2022. On July 3, the Federal Criminal Police Office will present a situation report on this topic in Berlin. In addition, a large “dark field study” is created because many people do not talk about their situation at all and this is not recorded statistically.
For an illustration of deadlocked patterns in a toxic relationship, you call the “drama triangle” in the book – what is that exactly? Ruth Marquardt: The drama triangle is a psychological concept that deals with the relationships and dynamics in interpersonal conflict . It consists of three central roles: the perpetrator, the victim and the rescuer. The abuser is the person who harms or abuses others. The victim is the person who suffers the harm and feels helpless. The rescuer is the person trying to help the victim and fight the abuser. The drama triangle occurs when these roles rotate in an unhealthy pattern. The victim can put themselves in the savior role by trying to change or save the abuser. The rescuer can turn into the perpetrator by taking control or by manipulating. This pattern leads to constant switching between roles and perpetuates conflict or unhealthy relationship patterns. To break the drama triangle, it is important to take responsibility and establish healthy communication and boundaries. By taking responsibility for your own well-being and embracing cooperation rather than confrontation, you can step out of the drama triangle and into healthier relationship dynamics.
A quote from your book is “Men are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder more often than women” – why is that? Ruth Marquardt: There can be three reasons for this. On the one hand, boys are often hyped by their parents as children and thus develop excessive self-confidence; on the other hand, we live in a patriarchal society in which men are often still the measure of all things. As women, we still have to orient ourselves on this. But this personality development can also be based on family neglect. Sometimes the parents had narcissistic traits and this is unconsciously imitated in adulthood.
Narcissists and toxic relationships are more prone to physical violence or exploiting someone financially than others, an example being the “Tinder swindler”. Why is that? Ruth Marquardt: People with a high narcissistic component are convinced of themselves. They achieve their goals without regard for others. The tragic thing is that while they can read the subtle signals of their partners, it seems impossible for them to feel compassion or to recognize the needs of others. Either because they can’t or because they don’t want to. Lies, manipulation, insults and violence are natural for them. For example, they can be convinced that the bruises they gave their partner can’t be all that bad.
Many women do not report these cases. On the one hand, shame plays a role, but on the other hand, there is too little protection for women. Why is that?Sandra Günther: Women are often ashamed because they think they were too stupid to realize that they were being taken advantage of. They believe they deserve nothing more than to be beaten and threatened. These are common arguments in my legal practice. Another point is certainly that women, especially those with children, are concerned that they will not be able to get along without their husbands. They are afraid of being left without money and alone with the children. But I can only encourage everyone out there: I don’t know a single client, and I’ve been doing this since 2007, who has regretted breaking out of a toxic relationship. But on the contrary.
Ms. Günther, what is the legal situation if someone has robbed you financially and presented false facts, like the “Tinder swindler” – what can you do?Sandra Günther: First of all, it is important in such cases, in which there is financial damage, collect all evidence of what happened. You should then go to the police and file a criminal complaint for all possible criminal offenses. As for the scam that was built around the victim’s emotions, things are a bit trickier. I have already accompanied such proceedings several times and usually not much comes out of it, at least in terms of criminal law. The victims often have to put up with being accused of naivety and the “scammers” can sell themselves very well. In terms of civil law, however, there is at least hope in financial terms. But only if the “perpetrator” actually has income that can be seized.
Emotional violence can often only be detected through recordings, WhatsApp histories, telephone recordings, etc. In Germany, this proof is not permitted without consent. As a lawyer, what do you think of the fact that data protection law is apparently more important than mental health?Sandra Günther: Among other things, you mention the recording that has not been approved under criminal law. I think that’s difficult. The ban gives the victims of such crimes the door to defend themselves. However, there are ways and means of introducing such evidence into the dispute.
From a purely legal point of view, what kind of law and penalty do you think is missing in a legal dream world for toxic relationships?Sandra Günther: I don’t want to presume to name a benchmark. But of course, the laws and the level of punishment in such cases are often far too lax. Behold the Tinder swindler: He continues to live his outsized “great life” and the victims are still paying off their loans today. I’ll put it this way: Especially in the age of Instagram, Tinder, etc., you have to be a hundred times more careful who you get involved with. This certainly does not show up in the first few days, weeks and not even months. When things get difficult, the true faces show. So be careful and mindful, don’t overstep your boundaries and above all: be careful when it comes to money.
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