Hello Ms Peirano,
I (37, carpenter) have been suffering from my narcissistic father for years. On the outside, our family appeared normal, even like a model family. For example, he really put his foot down at children’s birthday parties and organized treasure hunts or rented bouncy castles. Everyone was excited about him. But when we were alone, my father would jump on me and put me down, sometimes very subtly. He always compared me to himself or my little brother. I always came off as the idiot, good-for-nothing, and clumsy.
I was very successful in handball and did very well at school. My father never came to the handball games, but always caused some kind of stress on those days, so that I couldn’t concentrate and had a bad conscience and feelings of guilt.
I always felt like there was something wrong with me until one day I started therapy and we quickly got to the topic of narcissism.
Suddenly I realized that he was in competition with me and was jealous of my achievements and therefore put me down.
It became clear to me that everything always had to revolve around him and that our needs didn’t count. He also completely dominated my mother. She had to fulfill his wishes, and when she made a small mistake (food was on the table ten minutes late), he punished her with reproaches and silence. She was never able to defend herself, which made me very sorry.
My mother died five years ago and since then the family has completely fallen apart. My mother always kept the family together and made peace. Now my father can let off steam undisturbed.
He clearly prefers my brother and has given him our family home, ostensibly because he has a child and I don’t.
My brother can’t do anything wrong, although he keeps getting in trouble with the law for physical assaults while playing football.
I tried to talk to my father about the situation and claim my rights. I have to say that my parents have a Berlin will. This means that we didn’t inherit anything when my mother died, but then we should each inherit half when my father died. I mentioned through my wife, who is a lawyer, that it is not the intention of the will that my brother got the house and I got nothing.
My father then cut off contact with me. But, as always, he talks bad about me with my brother and my aunts and uncles and presents himself as a victim of the situation.
He always portrayed me as ungrateful and lazy and made up things that I allegedly did to him. He lied and kept silent about what he did himself and portrayed himself as a loving father who only means well. I was recently uninvited to my favorite uncle’s funeral on the grounds that I had hurt my father so much that he could not be expected to see me.
He smokes heavily and, at 78, also has lung problems. Before the contact was lost, he then made appointments with the doctor during my working hours without asking me and demanded that I accompany him. My brother is currently on short-time work and sits in front of the television all day – but he wasn’t asked. When I said I couldn’t drive it, he portrayed himself throughout the family as the victim and me as the heartless son who doesn’t support his father.
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. The situation is very difficult for me and my wife. Peace is not in sight and I would at least like to take care of the inheritance. Actually, I would also like to talk to my relatives about the situation because I look bad and would like to put things right.
But can that do anything?
Do you have any advice?
Torben Z
Dear Torben Z,
I’m so sorry for you to hear what you’ve been through! That sounds like a very sad story.
What you’ve been through really does sound like a model family in many ways, a model family for a narcissism case conference to demonstrate how narcissistic abuse can affect and disrupt an entire family.
A lot is typical about it:
It all hurts!
And what’s more, behind your back, there’s a good deal of agitation against you, so that you get a lot of opposition and are gradually excluded from the family (see the funeral).
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. In my PhD, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or lovesickness? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
This is also called “flying monkey” syndrome. In Alice in Wonderland there is a wicked witch who uses her monkeys to do her dirty work, punishing and tormenting her opponents. Narcissists are particularly adept at presenting themselves as wholly innocent victims through lying, gaslighting, skillfully using memory gaps, and denial, so that people who thwart their plans are portrayed as evil perpetrators.
I go into such detail because I’m a firm believer in the adage, especially when it comes to narcissism: knowledge is power. Narcissism is such a multi-layered and complex mental illness that those affected appear completely normal to the outside world and can even convince many people of themselves and use them for their purposes. Like many famous politicians and warmongers, they can cause enormous damage and are extremely dangerous.
Educate yourself about narcissism and ideally seek therapy to heal the damage of abuse.
Literature tips are:
An important finding from working with people who suffer from narcissistic partners, parents or bosses is this: The (family) system manipulated by a narcissist is so broken and infiltrated by Flying Monkeys that you probably won’t get any help from this circle will not be understood.
Look for help and emotional support outside of the system—like a therapist, a support group for children of narcissistic parents, your wife, or friends who believe and support YOU.
In your family of origin, unfortunately, there is little prospect of respectful and harmonious interaction. So let go and mourn what is there to mourn because your roots have been cut off. This is destabilizing and you should take your time with it!
It is in your best interest to set boundaries and not accept your father’s injustice, at least financially. Sit down with a family law attorney and clarify whether you can object to the gift of the house to your brother now or whether you have to wait until the inheritance has passed before you can demand the return of the wrongful gift .
Treat yourself to rest and nice activities – it sounds very exhausting and stressful what you went through!
Kind regards and all the best to you,
Julia Peirano
This article contains so-called affiliate links. Further information are available here.
