Dear Ms. Peirano,
I have a problem with my mother favoring my brother. I am 27 and have lived alone for years and earn my own money. My brother Dennis is 23 and still lives at home with my mother. She works as a nurse in shifts, while my brother has already dropped out of his third training course. He makes ends meet, sometimes working in construction or being a waiter.
My mother pampers my brother and he doesn’t have to do anything around the house. When I get home, I’m immediately caught up. My mother starts whining and moaning about how much her back hurts, I then clean the apartment and help her with the shopping. My brother lies on the couch and watches TV or plays on his cell phone.
He already had a few girlfriends and my mother expected them to cook and help out at our house. She doesn’t expect this from my brother, or she tells him to lie still and rest. This makes me so upset! Resting from playing mobile games?!?
Dennis’s ex-girlfriend told me that my mother told her to take care of Dennis because he wasn’t having an easy time. The worst thing was that this friend of his got pregnant and my mother felt sorry for Dennis because he was overwhelmed about becoming a father. My mother complained that her friend wasn’t paying attention and was just trying to bind Dennis to her through the child. I was stunned. She then had an abortion and left him.
It’s the same thing with money. Even though my mother is always short of money, she doesn’t expect Dennis to hand over any money at home. She always gives him something and for Christmas and his birthday she gives him things worth 500 euros. For comparison: I always get something practical (e.g. a toaster or a kettle) worth a maximum of 60 euros. And if she doesn’t have any money, she expects me to give some of my salary. That’s not right, is it?
She always favored Dennis and saw everything he did differently. I became independent at an early age and completed my training in order to stand on my own two feet. But she always has something wrong with me. She also accuses me of being selfish and only thinking about myself and not the family.
But she doesn’t even expect Dennis to do anything for the family. Strangely enough, Dennis and I have a good relationship, especially when she’s not there. He tells me things in confidence and listens to me rather than our mother.
Oh yes, and our father left the family when I was 7 and Dennis was 3 and doesn’t get in touch. He also never paid maintenance. My mother doesn’t have time for a new partner and doesn’t find herself attractive either. She weighs 95 kg and pays little attention to herself, only incidentally.
I don’t know how to deal with the injustice. It’s really hard for me to say no to my mother because then she doesn’t talk to me much and is cold to me.
Do you have some food for thought for me?
Kind regards, Nicole Z.
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. During my doctorate, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or heartache? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
Dear Nicole Z.,
Your description touched me. And I agree with you: the way your mother treats you and your brother sounds extremely unfair. I can well imagine that you are suffering from this and that your self-esteem has also been damaged by this unequal treatment.
Maybe it will help if I tell you that I have often had (young) women in therapy who have reported similar stories about their mother, their brother and themselves. That doesn’t make it fairer, but sometimes it’s good, fellow sufferers to have.
You didn’t choose to do this, and you can’t help your mother doing it either! I would like to think about why your mother treats you and your brother so unequally.
One reason for this unequal treatment is most likely that your mother knows from her family of origin that sons are worth more than daughters there. I have families in my environment in which the mother (and later the daughter) cooks for everyone and serves the family at mealtime, while the father (and brother) stays seated and eats comfortably.
I have a friend whose brother inherited their parents’ farm while she herself came away empty-handed – understandably she was angry about it (by the way, this is common in many areas and even enshrined in law: the eldest son inherits the farm).
I know women whose mothers-in-law ask how their son is doing and encourage the women to be considerate, to pamper him and to have his back. And this despite the fact that the women themselves work and take on the lion’s share of child care.
It’s 2023, and yet some women expect this from their counterparts!
Let’s assume that these mothers themselves suffered from unequal treatment as young women, but never came to terms with it. They have separated and internalized the pain that this caused and are now passing it on to their own daughter and other young women.
In order to defend yourself against this unequal treatment and to do things differently later (i.e. to show solidarity with women), you would first have to admit how painful this treatment was and you would have to find a solution: give objections, set yourself apart, distance yourself, to rebel. If one submits, one may also feel the need to take revenge on later generations for the injustice suffered. So: If as a girl I always had to do the housework and my brother, father, cousin was exempted from it at my expense, then now I want someone else to do the housework for me and since I don’t know any other way, that’s it younger women. You then say to yourself: They shouldn’t act like that, I had to go through it too!
Actually, you could also educate your own daughter and son to share their share of housework fairly, but this option is often out of the question if you have “simply” split off your own pain.
Another cause of this toxic motherhood, in which daughters and sons are treated unequally: Some women have learned to make their self-worth dependent on the validation of men and not on their own successes or the satisfaction of their own needs.
From the sounds of it, your mother has had little success with men. I don’t know anything about your mother’s father. But your mother’s partner left her with two children and also disappeared from her life as the children’s father. Since then she has had to do everything alone and that sounds like a hard and deprived life to her.
But instead of looking at how she could be doing well herself, e.g. B. through friendships and sisterhood with other women, through hobbies or relaxation, your mother is again looking for male validation, namely that of her son. She certainly had his love when he was little, and now she uses completely inappropriate coddling, protection and excessive gifts to ensure that she binds her son to her. She obviously sees other women as rivals. Your son’s pregnant ex-girlfriend received neither help nor understanding from her mother, but was condemned solely for the pregnancy, for which your brother is partly responsible.
In doing so, your mother is not only harming the young woman, but also her brother! Because the job of a mother (and a father) is to hold up as clear a mirror as possible to their own children. And that includes telling your own son: “It was irresponsible of you to let your girlfriend get pregnant. Now make sure you stick by her and sort things out with her.” Through their own example and through the mirror, parents teach their children attitudes and values, and this should actually include respect, fairness, justice and equality. And of course it would be appropriate for your mother to really light the fire under Dennis’s ass and urge him to complete an education. It makes him small and dependent to be an unskilled worker and live in the Mama Hotel. Where is this supposed to lead?
From my point of view, you are your mother’s child who is obviously disadvantaged (being criticized more, having to help out more, having to buy membership, so to speak). But you had a big advantage: you were able to break away and build your own life because your mother didn’t tie you down with a carrot. Your brother won’t have an easy life in his life because he’s always had a distorting mirror held up to him.
He became comfortable and self-centered because of his mother’s treatment, and that doesn’t get you very far in life. Because of his absent father, he didn’t have a good male role model (rather someone who shirked responsibility and thereby hurt everyone). His mother showed him that he was the center of attention for no reason and left him in an immature, childish role.
In his relationships with women, your brother will probably try to ensnare and use women as he does at home. He will have little understanding of the needs of his partners and will not take responsibility. It’s not far-fetched that one day he’ll be lying on the sofa with his partner and letting her take care of him, as he knows from the Hotel Mama. And with this baggage, his relationships will not be happy. This is basically tragic!
I hope that these explanations of your mother’s behavior help you a little. Below I would like to give you a few tips to further free yourself from the web of expectations.
The most important thing: State your position again and again at home. For example, say, “Mom, I’m your daughter and I’ve moved out. I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to be asked to clean and shop while Dennis is on the couch. You should teach him how to clean and then do it he’ll take over.”
Say: “Mom, I am your daughter and not your partner. It is not okay that I should give money at home while my adult brother lives here for free and contributes nothing.” Try to set these limits for your mother and consistently follow them in your behavior. So don’t clean, don’t contribute money for living expenses, etc.
As an adult daughter, you are a house guest. Your mother will probably be angry at first and use her usual methods to make you compliant. Be prepared for it to be difficult for a while and try not to give in! Just ask your friends how much they do at home when they visit!
In many families, the adult daughter is spoiled a little when she comes home. Or the mother and daughter cook together as adult women, thereby strengthening their bond. Get support from friends or, if necessary, a therapist to find and strengthen your idea of an appropriate role.
And strengthen your relationship with Dennis as his big sister. You are not his mother, nor his father or stepfather. Your brother is an adult and you don’t need to take responsibility for him. By consistently rejecting this and spending time with him and talking like a big sister, your relationship with him will be less strained. And you two have more fun together. Calmly mirror his behavior and tell him how he affects you, both positive and negative. For example: “Dennis, it is important that you stand on your own two feet, earn your own money and do your part, even with the housework! Otherwise you will remain a mother’s boy!”
I can imagine that it would be good to stay away from home for a while and only come infrequently so that you can get used to your new role. Most of the time, such changes do not happen from one day to the next.
I wish you much success with this and hope that you can see it in such a way that the bottom line is that you were less harmed than your brother by your mother’s unequal treatment.
Herzlich GrüßeJulia Peirano
