Dear Ms. Peirano,
I’m 32 and a fitness trainer. I think my problem is that I’m too nice and too patient. I always have an open ear for other people and am also very helpful. Now many of my customers have gotten into the habit of telling me their problems, and I regularly go overboard because of it.
At parties, complete strangers tell me their whole life story. When I’m riding the train or flying, I usually always talk to the people next to me, but more often than not, a nice conversation turns into a stressful conversation, or I just listen and don’t know how to put an end to it without seeming rude.
I have a new best friend and she is often amazed at what people do to me. She says that I shouldn’t let myself be taken advantage of like that. I thought about it for a while and realized that I often feel bad after listening to a whole life story. But I don’t know how to get out of this. Do you have some ideas for me?
Many greetings, Anja D.
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. During my doctorate, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or heartache? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
Dear Anja D.,
Have you ever asked yourself why you go to such lengths to please strangers? What do you actually get out of it? Are you interested in getting recognition? Are you afraid of rejection if you don’t do this? Or do you just not know how to get out of this habit? Do you also feel guilty because you are (supposedly) doing so well in life?
You could read up on the topic and find out the causes. The book that has just been published will definitely help you:
Elise Loehnen: “I. Want. To Be. The Price Women Pay To Be Good Enough”
How did your mother and other female role models in your family behave? Did your mother also give everything she could to sacrifice herself for others and was that expected of her? Or maybe you were neglected as a child and don’t want to make anyone feel neglected because you know that feeling so well? Did you perhaps have to help out and step in as a child?
Basically, it’s very nice that you are interested in other people and are helpful. I think it’s important that you decide for yourself who you want to do this service for (yes, it is a service to help and listen) and also when you want to do it – and of course how much you want to do.
Divide your circle of friends and acquaintances into platinum, gold, silver, bronze and asbestos relationships and write down what you would do for the platinum friends, what for gold, silver and so on further.
For example: If I have a platinum or gold friend, I will definitely go to her birthday party, but I also expect her to do the same for me. I call back as quickly as I can if she has a problem, but I also expect the reverse to be the case.
Bronze could mean: It is a colleague or the friend of a friend. They would give her information if she needed it (e.g. a recommendation for a doctor) and even go out for a coffee if it was convenient, but they wouldn’t leave everything behind for that.
Asbestos means: Be careful, toxic. Change side of the street or don’t answer the phone.
Next, you could imagine your life as a house. They have a garden gate and a walkway to the house, a doorstep, a hallway, a living room, a kitchen, a guest room, a bedroom, a study and perhaps also a room for therapy sessions. Who is allowed in which area?
For example: My parcel delivery people are very friendly and are allowed to go into the garden or, when I’m there, come into the hallway to drop off parcels. We wish each other a good day and talk about the weather or make small talk. I would give them a glass of water or a tip if it’s convenient. But I wouldn’t make coffee (it takes too long and is inappropriate).
My hairdresser: We’ve known each other for a long time and like each other, but we live in completely different worlds. We talk about more personal small talk, such as my and their children’s hobbies, Netflix series, vacations and good restaurants in the neighborhood.
We ignore personal problems such as illness, stress and relationship problems. If I were to locate the relationship in my house, it would be at the kitchen table.
You notice: It’s important to divide people into certain groups with certain membership cards that grant access to certain areas in your house or determine how close someone can come. Perhaps a person with whom you have strong conflicts is not even allowed on your property (asbestos).
Assign specific topics of conversation to each room in your house and over the next four weeks pay careful attention to whether each person is in the right place or going into areas that are not right for you. For example, an unknown person at a party or a client might suddenly walk into your therapy room even though you would like to stay in the kitchen or perhaps venture into the living room.
And at this point I would like to say very clearly that crossing boundaries is rude from that person and not from you! If I talk to a complete stranger on the train about my father’s hemorrhoids or more than just a superficial conversation about the organizational problems at my work, I am crossing the boundaries of decency. That doesn’t belong there! You don’t have to listen to this, you can lead the other person back to the appropriate room.
Many people don’t know the best way to differentiate. Ask those around you how others do it, your new best friend seems to be better at distancing herself. And come up with small talk topics that you like to talk about so that you can offer something (I found it quite amusing a few weeks ago to talk about the new “Barbie” movie (but only if it stayed funny and has not degenerated into an exhausting debate about feminism).
Basically, if someone asks you for help, you could ask for some time to think about it to look at their calendar. And with this distance you see whether you think it is appropriate to provide this help for this person in this situation. And the other person also realizes that you don’t always and automatically say yes.
If you have a guilty conscience that you don’t want to listen or help people in need, you can also consciously consider volunteering and helping people who are particularly important to you. For example: telephone counseling, food bank for the homeless, help for refugees. This means you are doing something really meaningful and you can still decide when and how often you get involved.
I hope this helps you. Because only through conscious decisions and sometimes setting boundaries can you ensure that you don’t waste your energy to the wind. And this is the only way you will have enough energy for the important people in your life and, above all, for yourself.
Herzlich GrüßeJulia Peirano
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