Dear Dr. Peirano,
I, 24, only ever like strange, (to me) unattractive men. It’s always been like this: If I’m approached on the street or at a party, they’re not pretty men and not only I think that, but also my friends.
And when I’ve dated someone, regardless of whether they were prettier or less prettier, it was always someone who, for example, had problems in the family and was in trouble as a result, or someone with self-esteem problems or loners who everyone calls “weirdos”. would or typical Red Flag men who treat women derogatory or, or, or.
I want to make it clear that I don’t see myself as worth more than these people and I’m definitely not arrogant – but in order to accurately describe the situation to you, I would just like to write freely from my heart how I see the matter.
About me: I would describe myself as a pretty woman, which is what strangers often say to me. I am warm-hearted, loyal, very sporty, have a good job and many hobbies that I pursue regularly. I am very grateful for my life and come from a great family with parents who adore my sisters and me.
I’ve been single for 5 years and I’m happy with that, but of course I would also be happy to have someone by my side again. I’ve never had Tinder and the like and I don’t plan on doing so because I’m not the type of person and I’m convinced that I’ll get to know someone “in real life” at some point.
I’m writing all of this to you precisely because friends also tell me, “Self-perception and the perception of others are often different, you attract what you radiate,” etc. When I then asked them independently: “How do I come across to you “How would you perceive me?”, comes a “Hmm, you’re very likeable, self-confident, humorous and honest, so I have no idea why that is.” This also comes from others around me, with whom I am of course close enough for them to be able to give me this assessment.
Then why are they always these types of men? I definitely don’t have too high standards, I don’t want or need a pretty boy to show off! I would just like to understand why I only attract men who always have one of the above characteristics.
Many kind regards, Jana K.
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. During my doctorate, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or heartache? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
Dear Jana K.,
I can imagine it feels bad when “weird” men are interested in you. Then you ask yourself the question: “Do you see me as your equal?”
A few insights from attractiveness research will definitely help you. Most of the time, two people who are equally attractive come together as a couple. Every person, including every child of a certain age, can classify people on an attractiveness scale of 1-10. And rarely does a man who is an 8 date a female 2 or vice versa. Unless factors like a well-stocked wallet make someone more interesting, or the attractiveness was initially similar but has diverged over the years because she’s always going to the gym and he’s always lying on the couch with beer.
What’s interesting is how this pairing comes about. Everyone wants to be with a very attractive partner themselves! Nobody would mind a 10, 9 or at least 8! We come out of the cinema and dream about the beautiful actor, but we don’t get our hopes up. Because we have known since puberty how attractive we are and who we can and cannot end up with. As a rule, the more attractive partners reject us. So if I’m a 6 and I approach the attractive actor (a straight 9.5), then he won’t be interested in me and I’ll have to try to land with a guy of my caliber, 5-7.
However, men are often much more confident about their dating successes than women. A study showed that women with a dress size of 38 turned critically in front of the mirror, sucked in their stomachs and then checked “chubby” in their self-assessment, while men with huge beer bellies stood satisfied and then checked “slim and attractive”.
And men are often bolder than women: In Italy, so-called papagalli (parrots) stand on the street and talk to every tourist. I suspect that they always succeed at some point, otherwise they wouldn’t have been there for decades. So it’s not your personal problem that unattractive men try to contact you. Unfortunately, every woman can sing an angry song about this.
I was lured by men on the street in Tunisia with a “ksss ksss” sound. I didn’t find it that tingling. My very attractive 35-year-old girlfriend was offered to shower together by a man 40 years older than her (grandpa type). My very attractive and wonderful 17 year old niece was called “hot ass” on the street. Stupid pickup lines happen to all women, please listen!
The only question is how a woman reacts internally and externally to these inappropriate offers. It is hurtful, shameful, sometimes disgusting and degrading. And it’s hard to just dismiss it. But apparently these encounters also unsettle your self-esteem, and it would be good to work against that.
You seem to be asking yourself, “Am I seeing myself wrongly, am I doing something wrong for this to happen?” You could also just internally say, “How do I get rid of this brazen guy?” Talk to other women about how they process these inappropriate contacts internally and how they react to them externally. I once heard the term “gatekeeper” as a woman’s job. This means that every woman has to actively choose who she lets get closer to her and who she rejects. I suspect you’re overindulging.
It would definitely be good for your self-esteem if you had more contact with suitable men. Annoying pickups are particularly high in clubs, but in other environments they occur much less frequently or never. Are you in a sports club with a sport that you like? I hear from dance scenes such as swing, tango and bachata that things are very friendly and loving there. Do you have a hobby where you also meet men? A choir, an orchestra, a theater group, garden projects, etc.? These are also environments where interesting people meet and treat each other with respect.
I think it’s about being more active in approaching suitable men and having friendly contact with them in order to feel what your group is. And for example, when dancing, you would get validation and contact from different men, which just feels good and boosts self-esteem.
I hope this helps you!
Herzlich GrüßeJulia Peirano
