Hello Ms. Dr. Peirano,

I’m a female, 35-year-old virgin and although I’ve been dating regularly for five years (going for a walk, drinking coffee, meeting in a bar, dancing), I haven’t found the right person yet or it hasn’t worked out yet. I am attractive, intelligent and sometimes quite funny. Nevertheless, I have never had a boyfriend, never kissed a man, caressed him or anything like that. But I’m not asexual, because the longing was and is still there.

Additional information:

So my question to you: What am I doing wrong? Or what do you think I should do? My big fear is that I’ll still be a virgin at 60, and you won’t get any younger or more beautiful…

Best regards

Janna G.

Dear Janna G.,

Would you like to know what my first impulse was to answer you? I would like to say in advance that the attempt may simply have been premature and shot from the hip. But I’ll just suggest it now and you can think it through in peace.

You say you’re looking for the right one. Maybe this is exactly where the problem lies. How about you first experience kissing, physical closeness and, if necessary, sex without him having to be the right person for your life?

I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. During my doctorate, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.

Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.

Do you have questions, problems or heartache? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.

If you have high expectations, you can also be very disappointed. An acquaintance of mine was still a virgin at 43 and had very high expectations of her future partner. She then fell in love and dared to have sex with him. Shortly afterwards he left her for someone else. This was very hurtful to her, especially because the bar was set so high after all these years. It’s actually common in our culture for you to kiss (and be allowed to kiss) a lot of the wrong people during puberty and then slowly find your way around what you actually want. I’m mentioning settings here like close dance parties, the first visits to the disco or spin the bottle with kisses, where you kiss, touch, smell, caress all the boys/girls from your year (or better yet: two levels above)…

How about you give yourself a try and think about who would be suitable for your first sexual experiences? For example: Attractive, charming, physically pleasant, sexy, respectful of her boundaries and mentally healthy? And maybe make sure it’s not someone you’re in danger of falling in love with. Just a good lover. And of course, someone who is okay with being a lover and who you won’t fool.

I can imagine that it will relax you significantly once you have had your first erotic and sexual experiences. The only question is: can you allow yourself to do that? Or are there fears or moral concerns? And if so: Who do the voices you hear belong to? Were certain relatives very strict or did you have a religious upbringing that imposed certain prohibitions?

You will quickly have these questions and feelings on the table if you take a step further out of your comfort zone. And a few more suggestions on where you might be able to find suitable men: at dance events (Biodanza, Salsa, Swing – you can also find out whether you are physically compatible). There are cuddle parties where people hug and cuddle, sometimes under the supervision of a therapist. It is not uncommon for more to emerge.

Best regards

Julia Peirano