Dear Ms Peirano,
I’m 23, an apprentice, and would like to have a partner again. Unfortunately, my last two partnerships have not been happy. One partner lost interest in me and his life at some point and just sat on the sofa in a more or less bad mood.
And the last partner and I had almost nothing in common. I didn’t feel comfortable in his family, found his friends very unsympathetic and in the end we often quarreled.
I hear from my friends that they often have bad experiences with men when dating online (Tinder) or when going out. You find someone for a night or for a few days and then he doesn’t call back or says he’s seeing other women.
I would like to know a little more about my ideas when looking for a partner and wanted to ask you how I can get a clear picture of my ideal partner.
Do you think that helps? Or do you make it even more difficult?
Best regards,
Lene T.
Dear Lena T,
Dating is really not easy these days. It’s relatively quick to get to know someone and have sex (especially as a woman) – but that’s a long way from a sustainable, happy relationship with a partner who is a good match for you.
That’s why I think your idea of thinking before looking for a partner is wonderful. The more precisely you know what you are looking for, the fewer bad experiences you will have. Many people don’t look very closely when they meet and get involved in relationships with big question marks or red flags (warning signs) – and then afterwards they have to deal with these problems. Most of the time, this leads to a breakup, and this increases insecurities with the next man (“If it hasn’t worked out several times now, I’m afraid of being disappointed or hurt again.”)
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. In my PhD, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or lovesickness? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
It is better to have a clear idea and definitely take your time getting to know each other. Most women find it difficult to take their time after they’ve had sex with a man because they’re often developing feelings. They then feel under pressure and quickly want to know where they stand. More often than not, this is before the man wants to know, and this puts the woman in an awkward role and perceived as clingy or demanding. So I would recommend (I know it sounds a little conservative) to wait until you have sex before you know it feels comfortable with your partner and both are willing to get involved in a relationship (which today means that they try seriously for a while and are exclusive to each other. Unless you want to have an open relationship, but then that’s it another topic…).
I can recommend literature on the subject of partner search and partner matching:
Then I would recommend you to formulate a description of your ideal partner. I have a very successful example from a young woman who allowed me to publish it here (thank you very much!).
“I want him to be empathetic and even though he may not understand some of what I’m saying or feeling, let me know that he wants to learn more about it and understand more of it. I like it when he takes care of me and compliments me does…I never want to be put down over and over again because of a guy’s sense of humor, so the sense of humor shouldn’t be aimed at damaging other people’s self-confidence I don’t want to be the only one doing cute little things or showing more love every time.I would love it if he liked to cuddle and we could have fun and tease without hitting sore spots.I would be over a balanced ratio of deep conversations and funny conversations and that you listen to the other person when he talks passionately about something. I would think it would be nice if we did a lot together and finally went on a picnic. I will make sure, no more empty promises to accept and want him to keep his word.I want him to be proud to have me as his girlfriend.
On the outside (because it’s about my dream partner) he should be taller than me and have slightly longer brown hair, preferably with curls. Preferably light (blue, gray) eyes and dimples. Not overweight would be important to me, but not too thin either. I would like a broad build, but not too trained. Not too many tattoos or piercings.
As for hobbies, I have to say that I don’t want to have a partner whose passion I’m embarrassed about or that I can’t understand. Everyone has activities that they don’t understand or find stupid, and when the other person sees an activity as their passion, that’s a big problem. Also, I wouldn’t like to hear again that this passion is higher than me. That hurts me.
I’ve learned that it has to be really right for me and I have to feel 100% that I want to be in a relationship with this person, otherwise it will go wrong again and I’ll just be unhappy. I have to be careful with my feelings and if I hurt someone because I reject them, I’m sorry, but I just have to learn to say no, especially on this point, because otherwise I won’t be happy. I need the person longer get to know each other and, very importantly, the environment and interests.”
Do you notice that the description of this young woman already creates certain ideas in your head? In any case, I immediately had a very likeable, humorous young man with curly hair in mind, and I immediately thought of many men who didn’t fit the description. Such a clear idea helps a lot with orientation.
I hope that you can also create a good “Wanted” profile for yourself and then be lucky to find the right partner. Luck is definitely part of it!
Kind regards, Julia Peirano
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