Dear Ms. Peirano,
My wife and I have been happily together for 20 years and have been happily married since 2010. We have three children aged 12, 6 and 3. We are each successful in our careers and have everything we need financially. We talk to each other openly and honestly. Things are going well sexually too. We are a well-coordinated team in everyday life, have a large circle of friends and give each other freedom to pursue our own activities. Jealousy never really played a role. On both sides. This only changed for me recently.
My wife looks good, enjoys working with high-quality things and is extremely communicative. She got her broker’s license and started working as a freelancer in the real estate company of a long-time friend (Klaus). Another long-time friend (Mark), who is a successful entrepreneur in the city, does real estate on the side and joined this company. As far as I can see, everyone involved is also happily married.
Now it happened that this company hosted a Christmas dinner. A little warm-up in the office and then to the steakhouse opposite. My wife celebrated with three men (another young colleague) from 5 p.m. to 11 p.m. Afterwards my wife and I had good sex at home. Two days later I heard from an old acquaintance that he had seen my wife in the steakhouse and that it seemed to be very cheerful and a little louder. That triggered me and it boiled inside me.
I confronted my wife and asked her to show me photos etc. from the evening. The photos showed, among other things, how she was probably still licking a champagne glass somewhat lasciviously in the company. In one video, she is visibly drunk eating a salad and a friend puts food in her mouth. He encouraged my wife to shovel the food a little erotically and told the man across the table, who was visibly uncomfortable, that it would turn him on. A selfie of her giving this friend a kiss on the cheek appeared in my wife’s pictures (she deleted this photo afterwards).
We then talked about the topic. She assured me that nothing was going on there, which I believe her 100 percent. The scenes were taken out of context. There was also a lot of conversation about the families and children. There would not have been a sexually charged atmosphere.
However, she admitted that she was very drunk at the steakhouse at the time. It drives me crazy how the boyfriend turns my wife into an object in a group of men in this video recording – by filming her obviously “stricken” and putting something in her mouth. The scene with the champagne glass didn’t happen by chance either, but was probably a “direction” after she saved a glass from overflowing with her mouth. For me this definitely has a sexual character. Now my wife is not a child of sadness, but she immediately puts improper behavior in its place. I’ve always been proud of the way we relate to each other. We have often celebrated together with our friends.
We then discussed the topic further. In two days because it wouldn’t let go of me. We also agreed to talk about it again if necessary so as not to suppress it.
Now, afterwards, I’m concerned with the thought that the friend had taken too much out that evening or that my wife had allowed it. I feel like I have to do something about it. What particularly triggers me is that I think that something could come of this playful teasing and friendly closeness between the two of them. Whenever I calm down a bit, this destructive thought creeps up on me.
How should I react further? I would like to have my old trust back. Precisely because they are also people with whom we will have to deal again professionally and privately in the future. I am absolutely not a fan of bans.
Best regards, Niklas Z.
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. During my doctorate, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or heartache? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
Dear Niklas Z.,
I can understand that the story of this Christmas party worries and upsets you! Of course, it is always a different perspective when you look at something from the outside as a bystander than if you were involved in the moment (like your wife and the other men). And especially under the influence of alcohol, the boundaries of what is “okay” at that moment become blurred for those involved. Ultimately, even in the best relationship, you will never know 100 percent what your partner is doing, feeling and feeling.
I hear that there are two things that are bothering you. Firstly, you are annoyed that your wife has not set the boundaries against sexual or sexually degrading behavior as clearly as you would have expected from her and as you have previously known her to. The second is that the men who put your wife in this humiliating position are actually mutual friends and have therefore acted disrespectfully towards you and your wife.
You’ve already addressed the first issue, and it sounds like you both have a lot of trust. Because your wife got involved in the conversation, showed you the photos and also had sex with you after the Christmas party. Your wife apparently answered your questions honestly and didn’t hide or deny anything, as I often hear when it comes to questions about jealousy or infidelity.
So the second problem concerns your friends and the question of whether the transgression or disrespect towards them should be addressed and, if so, who should do it.
You describe your wife as self-confident. In this respect, she does not need a savior or protector in you to name what has happened to herself. But the disrespect didn’t just happen to your wife, it also happened to you. Between friends, you should be able to trust that you will not make sexual advances towards a friend’s partner.
In this situation, I would recommend that you both organize a meeting with Mark and Klaus and then take the bull by the horns. How do you think they would react to that? Would you deny it or trivialize it, along the lines of “It was just fun, we celebrated and drank. Don’t act like that”! In that case, I would recommend that you turn the situation around and ask: “Klaus, how would it be if I celebrated with YOUR wife and I filmed her licking champagne from glasses? Or I would other men Ask if they aren’t turned on by YOUR wife too?”
Most of the time, even with people with little empathy, the penny drops.
You can also say: “Repel the beginnings.” If you and your wife appear together and together point out the boundaries that have been crossed, then Klaus or Mark have not succeeded in dividing you both. A split would only have been successful if you were angry about the situation and your wife stuck by Mark and Klaus, for example by keeping the situation a secret from you or finding it okay yourself. A fine hairline crack would form, which would eventually widen further. But that obviously doesn’t exist.
The most important thing is that you and your wife form a unit. Whether Klaus and Mark appreciate being put in their place shouldn’t be important. After all, how can a collaboration continue if there is such a gap in values and the two do not accept your ideas and boundaries?
Best regards, Julia Peirano
