“The pants look good on you,” you are happy about the compliment, but then comes “if you would train a little more, they would look even better on you.” Um, was that a compliment, as I initially assumed, or a belittlement of myself with the message that I should exercise more?
This phenomenon is called negging. An English term that means “to neglect” in German, and somehow the translation is correct because the “negger” systematically destroys the self-confidence of the other person. Most of the time, a person who belittles someone through subtle hints and sayings does not have good self-confidence themselves. He enhances himself by making the other person feel worthless. The goal behind the mixture of compliment and criticism is for the victim to vie further and more strongly for the negro’s favor.
The desire and effort for recognition from the victim triggers affirmation in the negro, which flatters his self-confidence. Often the manipulative tactics revolve around issues such as weight, clothing, hairstyle or other physical characteristics. Aspects that can scratch anyone’s self-confidence.
Even when dating, you should pay close attention to whether you are dealing with a person who practices negging. Does he make fun of each other’s hobbies? Does he give out compliments or criticize you – both can be true – and then withdraw them with something like “fun”? Comparing yourself to an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend can also be negging: “You’re really smart, but my ex-girlfriend was even smarter,” for example.
The consequences of this behavior can, in the long run, if you ignore the warning signs when dating, have a negative impact on self-perception and self-confidence. The manipulated person could get a false picture of love and relationships, a kind of “carrot and stick” principle could become the new normal. Reducing self-confidence also leads to feeling a constant insecurity that makes you beg for the Negro’s favor, which triggers increased stress levels: after all, you never know when you’ll be insulted again.
The crux of this behavior is: you usually don’t get really angry at the moment when the compliment is paired with the criticism – which would be appropriate in the situation of an insult – because the compliment irritates you and the overall message doesn’t come across as consistently malicious. When dating, it is important to pay attention to how the other person packages criticism, because negging is an unhealthy and highly manipulative ploy that can become even stronger in a committed relationship.
Sources: Sixx, “Focus,” “NY Post”
