Love is one thing, being in a relationship is something else entirely. The fact that couples always understand each other blindly, that there is always sunshine between lovers – that is probably more in the land of legends and myths, even if Hollywood would like us to believe it. Relationships are hard work. The therapist couple Sarah and Matt Davies are familiar with the pitfalls. They have summarized in 10 tips what we have to do so that we can survive the relationship roller coaster.
The one or none?
Anyone who believes that there can only be one for them should reconsider, according to the therapists in the “Guardian”. When we assume that a person is destined for us, we exaggerate them to the ideal. Reality and fantasy blur. If dark clouds gather in the relationship, this image of the soul mate is often clouded and the whole relationship is called into question. Nobody is perfect. Relationship is a team effort – no matter how well you fit together.
Cultivating selective memory loss
There is no such thing as a one hundred percent suitable counterpart to yourself. Sarah and Matt Davies lead the 80/20 rule. According to this, it is sufficient to find 80 percent good partners. Even if the other 20 percent — the constant lateness, the messiness, the lethargy — are annoying, they shouldn’t rock the relationship. Rather than tinkering with these problems to “improve” the other, therapists recommend focusing on the good 80 percent. The other 20 percent are negligible and can safely be ignored and forgotten.
Like on the first day
The longer we know our partners, the more likely we fall prey to the mistaken belief that we know them. This is not a contradiction. In long-term relationships in particular, people often ignore the fact that people are constantly changing. Preferences and character traits can change over time, and you should not only be prepared for this, but also get involved. According to the therapist couple Davies, it is important to keep an inquisitive look at the other person and not to assume that you already know the answer to every question. Stay alert. Some questions are worth asking again and again. The dreams you have at 18 are rarely the same as those you have at 50.
Bye, nagger!
It’s annoying when people are constantly nagging about everything. Nobody likes to be exposed to criticism and accusations on the assembly line – especially when it has become a habit. So if you tend to nag, you should at least keep it to a minimum towards your partner. Limit yourself to addressing three topics a day that don’t suit you. Incidentally, this also applies the other way around. Those who tend to avoid conflicts and tend not to talk about problems should also allow themselves to be complained about three times a day. A healthy culture of conversation in relationships needs to be cultivated.
admit hate
Sometimes you just can’t stand the other person, you might even hate some qualities. That is normal. You don’t have to like every detail of your partner to love them. It is important not to suppress these feelings, because in the long run this can lead to bitterness and, in the worst case, to indifference, according to the therapists. In a relationship that happens on trust, such negative emotions can and should also be addressed.
take yourself seriously
To love means to be there for the other. But not only. It becomes difficult when the ego is neglected and one’s own needs are put on the back burner. In families, the children are often given priority, then the needs of the partner and finally one’s own needs are dealt with. Self-care is often underestimated or misunderstood as selfishness. The therapist couple Davies therefore advises turning the hierarchy around. Your own well-being is the basis for a healthy relationship, from which the children will also benefit.
What makes the relationship
Every relationship is different. Some lovers caress each other constantly, others are more friendly with each other. Some need the argument, others prefer it harmonious. Every couple should know what peculiarities make up the relationship and cultivate them. Falling in love happens involuntarily, but staying together means work. “Staying in love means taking responsibility for being loving and acting lovingly. It is a love lived with ‘open eyes.’ You choose to be generous and kind and tie the knot together between you,” according to the relationship therapists.
be silly together
In everyday life, the fun we have together often goes to waste. In addition to shopping tours and homework help, the enjoyable time as a couple takes a back seat. You should definitely take the time to do this. Be silly, dance awkwardly around the house – laugh at yourself, at each other and at each other. This not only helps to hide the obligations of everyday life for a moment. Humor connects and strengthens relationships.
traveling solo
As nice as it is to experience something together, it is also important to have experiences in which your partner does not directly participate. Instead of always just squatting down on each other, time-outs should be scheduled. Maintaining friendships and cultivating social independence can strengthen a relationship. Because that takes away the burden of having to fill many roles at the same time: lover, friend, father, roommate. Because if the space between the partners becomes too narrow, it can lead to the attraction fizzled out.
Sexy Time
If a love is new, the attractiveness is usually huge. You can’t keep your hands off each other and you can’t get out of bed. But over time, this sexual energy ebbs away. The partner’s body is explored and sex is in danger of becoming routine. Work against boredom in bed. Even small changes can work wonders. Whoever turns off the light should leave it on or turn it the other way around. The experts recommend that a new space can be conquered or even an erogenous zone that has recently been neglected.
