Dear Ms. Peirano,
I’m 26 and a student. I would describe myself as uncomplicated and quite relaxed. I’ve been dating a Dutch woman for four months and we quickly developed deep feelings for each other.
There are often misunderstandings, but so far we’ve always been able to talk about it well. And we have become closer and closer, even if we are slightly different. The only thing that really worries me is that she often goes to techno parties, often in Berlin or Barcelona. I know that she drinks a lot then. We haven’t really discussed whether she also takes ecstasy. She said rather vaguely: “Very rarely.”
Before we were together, she was single for a long time and also “lived it out”, she often met someone in clubs and then went home with them. Well, I tindered in front of her too. But of course I stopped doing that.
She says not to have sex with other men, because we are together. But I can put two and two together: far from home, partying, drinking, maybe drugs. The inhibition threshold is of course significantly lower. And if something were to happen, it would be stupid for her to tell me because it would cause stress.
I don’t know how to handle the situation. Telling her not to go out partying is not a solution. I think freedom is very important. However, I believe that monogamy is also important and that you should talk about it beforehand if you want to change that. I don’t want to accuse her of anything or suspect her. But I definitely don’t want to be taken for a fool, so I want to understand that she goes out partying and then she takes advantage of it and has things with other men without telling me.
I’m really going around in circles at this point. Perhaps it is also important to say that freedom is very important to her and she does not want to be restricted. She always avoids or delays actually talking about it calmly and in detail. And right now she is in Asia (also in Goa) for three weeks, also to celebrate.
We talk on the phone every day, but sometimes it’s clear that she’s hungover and I don’t like to come across as controlling and ask if she’s had something with someone. That really annoys me.
What are your approaches?
Kind regards, Tim J.
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. During my doctorate, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or heartache? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
Dear Tim J.,
I was just putting myself in your shoes and imagining that I was in love with someone who had such a strong desire for freedom, which means that he likes to party, drink and maybe take drugs. And for those who have previously included one-night stands in the package, or have until recently included them, they have been part of the package quite easily.
That didn’t feel good! So I can understand your uncertainty and also your anger that you can’t really reach your friend about this topic with your concerns and needs.
I often observe that relationships today develop differently and follow different rules than they used to. An important difference: In the past (i.e. 1-2 generations ago) people first got to know each other and then at some point they went to bed together. Nowadays you go to bed together for a while, usually quite early after getting to know each other, and then you think about (or even ponder) whether you’re together or not. It is often emphasized that you “let things come to you” or “don’t want to rush into anything.”
As a rule, the women in this arrangement are very stressed, but don’t let it show. They actually want to commit themselves firmly, but are afraid to admit it openly because they don’t want to scare their partner away. After a while, when the two of them see each other as a couple, I sometimes ask: “And what does that mean exactly?” Most of the time I get confused looks and it turns out that many of the rules of the game (which used to be self-evident) are still not clear and there is still enough room for misunderstandings and injuries.
In the past, it would have been natural to be outraged and angry if your partner found themselves in situations in which infidelity could occur. Today it is difficult for many people to say: This is going too far for me and I stand by it. So there is actually an unspoken compulsion to tolerate and accept, which often leads to internal stress and stomach aches. Just like with you.
Of course, the infinite freedom today has many advantages. Nobody has to hide being gay (or bisexual) anymore. It is socially recognized to be sexually active (now also for women) and to try things out. Nobody has to commit, nobody has to start a family. And fortunately no one has to endure decades of unhappy marriages like our grandparents often did.
But many people who don’t just want to take the old standard recipe for a relationship out of the drawer (as it used to be the norm) and live it, but want to develop something new that really suits them, have to do a lot to achieve this. You have to talk, talk and talk. Negotiate everything, discuss it, find compromises and agreements, explain yourself and your feelings, find solutions to situations. The need for this effort is often forgotten or neglected. Having an open relationship (or one with extraordinary freedoms such as partying for three weeks in Goa with alcohol and possibly drugs) is much more complicated than a monogamous relationship because before and during it, a consensus has to be found again and again that is in the moment feels good for both of them.
If your girlfriend likes to go out partying and you feel – justifiably – insecure and a bit confused about it, then it’s necessary to talk about it, talk and talk again. That is the price of freedom. Simply taking your freedom and signaling to the other person that it is none of your business if they have problems with it is not cooperation. The foundations for a successful relationship are trust and cooperation.
Specifically, I would recommend asking your friend to tell you what she means by partying. What exactly is celebrating about for her? How does she experience the evenings in the clubs? Is dancing about feeling free and relaxed? Or about getting recognition from other men? How does she feel when she is spoken to or “hit on”? How does she behave and where does she see a limit?
How far does this go for her? Does she also take drugs? Does she drink so much that she loses control? What would she do if she “crashed” drunk with someone? How does she make sure it doesn’t happen? Would she definitely tell you? If she says it won’t happen to her, why is she so sure? How can it give you some security on the Goa-Germany distance? Should she contact you at night and tell you how the evening was? Or does it make you even more unsettled when your girlfriend is drunk (or under the influence of ecstasy) and then calls you?
I would see it this way: If you want unusual freedom in a relationship, you also have to make sure that your partner feels safe and comfortable with it and has trust. Otherwise it is not a cooperation but an ego trip. Here I would clearly recommend that you insist on a really clarifying conversation (or more realistically, a clarification process) so that you both feel comfortable.
Herzlich GrüßeJulia Peirano
