It’s not just a phenomenon that occurs in couples who have been married for years; young singles can also experience a lack of desire for sex. This is completely independent of sexual orientation, age or gender. If you want to do something about it and get your love life back on track, you can take action, says sexologist Dania Schiftan. In our series on the subject of sex questions and sex myths, this time the expert answers the question of how men and women can increase their libido.
To explain: The term libido comes from psychoanalysis and, in short, describes the sexual drive, i.e. the desire for sex. With a strong libido, this is more pronounced than with a weak one. It’s not just when you get older or in a long-term relationship that the desire for sex can decrease. Younger people can also experience listlessness – sometimes unintentionally. Sexologist Dania Schiftan has dedicated a complete book to the topic of desire. “The Comeback of Your Lust” will be published in September 2024, in which she shows – above all – women how they can simply get more pleasure from sex (again). One thing is important for Schiftan to mention: only if you want to. “Because nobody has to have desire. And nobody should have desire. It’s completely okay to live without sex, as long as that person feels good about it,” she explains to star.
Dania Schiftan also thinks a particular approach is worth mentioning: “If the other person in the relationship is missing something, that is basically not your problem. It would be a real shame if you only wanted to feel pleasure so that the other person could have sex with you again and be happy.” The expert wants to give you input so that you can be happy in your love life. “It doesn’t matter whether you have sex with yourself or with others. Because sex that is fun, that is arousing, that lets everyday stress dissipate, is a huge resource – for you. And sex that you enjoy makes you want more of it. The fact that your relationships can benefit from this can be a nice side effect.” But the key to this fun and to new pleasure lies in you, in your own body, says the therapist.
She explains in more detail how to use this key. “Lust is anticipation of what is to come. The more interesting the sexual experiences are, the feeling of well-being, the sensuality, the more likely I am to have good memories and the more likely I am to want to have that again.” But that is often in stark contrast to what one experiences in solo sexuality. “Here, many people want to climax quickly and easily – that’s it.” A lay-on vibrator or other aids are used to stimulate in a targeted and usually intense way. If you then adopt this in couple sexuality and play it out like that, i.e. proceed in a very goal-oriented manner, you develop less and less anticipation. One of the main goals is therefore to find out how you can experience more in your sexuality.
“Women should know that they can and should say no at any time, but they should also learn how to use sex as a resource for themselves.” To do this, they should free themselves from things they hear from outside in order to find out what they like. This could be an erotic massage that you sign up for to find out what sensual physical contact is like and whether it can be arousing. If desire is lacking, a woman should be ready for new things, to test what touch she likes, what kind of sex she might like.
When choosing sex toys, you shouldn’t pay attention to the fact that a woman can reach climax quickly. It’s more about getting to know your own body better and feeling what excites me, what I would particularly like to do with a partner: sensual oral sex, exciting BDSM games or something else? To find out, it can help to use sex toys to learn your preferences and use your imagination to see if these practices might increase libido. A toy such as a tongue vibrator can help because it doesn’t lead to orgasm too quickly, but rather provides different stimulation. Shibari is also a popular method for feeling your body (again) and becoming particularly intimate with your partner and experimenting. But this should best happen in a course under supervision. It is important that sex toys do not replace physical contact. They should only be used in moderation as a supplement.
In her new book, Dania Schiftan has focused more on how women can increase their libido. But for men the principle is similar: in order to increase libido, men should freely try out what they like. Men can also let go of certain ideas, for example that they should take on the dominant role in a heterosexual relationship, or, or, or. “The pressure to perform and the concentration on the fact that the penis always has to stand like a one and for at least an hour – which, by the way, is completely utopian – are poison for enjoyable sexuality,” explains the sexologist.
Instead, a man should find out how he can increase the anticipation of sex: by taking his time in a relaxed manner, perhaps role-playing, a position that you have never done before and that makes you laugh, or even oral sex, for example with commitment of flavored gels.
The possibilities are almost countless and everyone should test different things to get to grips with their own body and their own desire. This is the only way you can communicate in a relationship what you like and how you want to be touched. And that increases the quality of your love life and, ideally, your entire relationship. Above all, your own well-being increases.
In the end, what the expert tries to make clear in her new book is true: nothing is necessary, everything is possible. Everything that is good for you, that is not done against someone else’s will, that is not just done for someone else and that can increase your own libido. So that sex is fun (again), life is enriched and more joy is created.
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