Dear Ms. Peirano,
I (female, 29) have been very exhausted and weak for some time, maybe 6 months. I get through the work week, but have little energy to do anything on the weekend. I have withdrawn a bit from everyone except my partner and tend to ponder a lot and think things through countless times so as not to make mistakes.
Then of course I don’t sleep well. I know this is all connected, but I don’t know how to get out of it.
Two more pieces of information: My boyfriend has a lot of problems at work and also thinks rather negatively (glass half empty). That weighs me down too, if I’m honest.
I am also very depressed by the general situation in the world. Maybe Trump will be re-elected, the Ukraine war, the Middle East war, the environmental disasters, the daily violence against women and children, etc. This really bothers me.
Do you have some tips for me on how I can get out of this vicious circle?
Best regards, Annekatrin B.
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. During my doctorate, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or heartache? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
Dear Annekatrin B.,
I have recently met many people in my practice as well as in my private environment who feel the same way as you. And I asked friends whether they had so many people around them who were weak, exhausted and desperate and struggled from week to week. It seems to be really widespread at the moment, and it’s not just because of winter.
That’s why I once again thought intensively about how you can get yourself back into positive energy and get going.
1. Find out what you really like to do in your life and give it time
If you can’t think of anything, it helps to remember your own childhood. What did you do in your childhood voluntarily and without admonition? What could you not get enough of? If it’s a particular sport or activity like singing or reading, you should take it up actively, just as a good mother would give her music-loving child piano lessons or enroll him in badminton.
A big advantage is that you can meet like-minded people and pull together and work towards something (winning a tournament, playing a sonata).
And once you have integrated that into your life, see if the amount is enough. For example, I realized that I want to make music very intensely (or even NEED to make it for my well-being) and have prioritized that in my life, and that makes me very happy.
2. Find access to your feelings and needs
Most people are so overwhelmed by external demands and constant overstimulation that they can no longer feel themselves. In principle, it is very easy to feel yourself. Sometimes I go out into the fresh air with a patient who feels overstimulated and can’t calm down and we practice walking meditation.
The instructions couldn’t be simpler: You concentrate on touching the soles of your feet with the earth. When your thoughts wander, you stoically go back to observing the contact of the soles of your feet with the earth. You decide how fast or slow you want to go. Of course you can also stop if you want to look at something (e.g. I once saw a rose petal covered in snow in January).
It helps to do this exercise for the first time with someone who practices it regularly, but it doesn’t have to be. Especially people who are too restless to practice silent meditation can often benefit from meditation in motion. And you can also integrate this wonderfully into everyday life, for example when going to the S-Bahn.
3. Take a mindfulness course
Mindfulness or MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) is a collection of extremely helpful techniques that help you gain access to yourself and recreate it in every moment. Recognizing your own needs and feelings helps to reduce stress.
A lot of what was developed in Far Eastern spiritual schools such as Buddhism and yoga philosophy is used. From my point of view, the positive thing about it is that these techniques (such as silent mediation or walking meditation) have been freed from their religious superstructure. When I practice secular MBSR, there is no higher power telling me whether I can do something or not (e.g. drink alcohol, lie, enjoy luxury), but I always listen to myself and see how I feel in the moment that goes with it.
Mindfulness courses are standardized, i.e. they have the same content and the same process everywhere (at least if they are certified by the MBSR umbrella organization). A course consists of 8 evening sessions and one day of practice. I recommend that you find a course near you and attend it in person (not online). This makes the practice much more intensive and you also get to know other participants and can practice together if necessary.
4. Reduce your news consumption
News is mostly negative and threatening. And so they influence our thinking and our lives immensely and affect our mood. I would recommend that you read this book and think about how you want to deal with news in the future.
Book tip: Ronja von Wurmb-Seibel: How we see the world – What negative news does to our thinking and how we free ourselves from it
5. Distinguish between working mind and thinking mind and go into working mind mode
At a certain age, we humans learn to use our brains not only for our actions (e.g. to tie our shoes or prepare breakfast), but also to reflect, to analyze things and to make philosophical considerations.
The former is called working mind, while analyzing is thinking mind. The Austrians also call it “brains” in their dialect, which I find quite apt. It is not uncommon for the thinking mind to take on a life of its own if you are too often isolated from other people, have to do little practical work and do little physical exercise.
I once had a yoga teacher who used Thinking Mind very successfully: When we students sat around after class and talked a lot or analyzed, he said: “Can you please help in the kitchen?” And immediately you found yourself in front of 15 liter pots, foreign spices (curry leaves, panch phoron, etc.) and countless types of lentils and had to find your way with an unknown person in a strange kitchen with exotic ingredients.
After about five minutes the working mind kicked in and there were only questions like: “Can you wash the pot? Does kohlrabi go well with broccoli or should we use zucchini? How many lentils do you use for 15 liters?” This concentration on a clear task was really good and mentally relaxing, and the feeling of achievement (15 liters of soup) was also positive. In a nutshell: After making soup we were simply in a good mood.
That’s exactly the method: use your hands and body to do complicated things to get yourself out of pondering. You can’t brood when you’re dancing a complex sequence of steps, practicing a challenging piece on an instrument, singing, trying out a new cake recipe, or cleaning out closets and selling your clothes.
6. Hang out with positive people
Take a look around you and see which people are generally confident, hands-on, happy and positive and seek out people close to them. These can be individual friends or family members, but also groups that are about fun, joy or a positive project. Also, try to meet other people in a working mind mode and avoid discussing problems.
7. Get analog again
Switch your phone to airplane mode (or off) as often as possible and engage in real sensory experiences. Maybe you can consciously listen to music, cook something (and touch, smell, taste), go for a walk and be really mindful, rest and read, for example, without your cell phone constantly taking you from the here and now into another world Overstimulating you with information.
8. Write two diaries
Get a diary in which you can write about things that stress or concern you. Take your time telling it all, and when you’re done, sit in another chair (!) and answer yourself in the diary with a different pen. Write the most honest and positive answer you can give yourself at that moment.
The second diary is only for positive things, no matter how small and everyday they are. You can also paste photos or write down beautiful pieces of music that you have heard.
These are my approaches to it. I would advise you to think of it as practicing (or practicing). I’ve played classical music all my life and the knowledge that you have to practice every day in order to progress is extremely helpful. Because you just cook with water, like we all do. You don’t expect miracles, and nothing comes from anything. But knowing how to practice and practicing it every day is an incredible treasure for me.
I hope you can get comfortable with the idea of practicing lifelong happiness.
Herzlich GrüßeJulia Peirano
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