We cannot choose it, sometimes it sustains us, sometimes it harms us: our family is a part of us. It doesn’t matter whether we have good contact with it or not, whether it’s big, small or no longer there. But one thing is clear: family structures shape us and we adopt something of them – whether we want to or not. “We carry them in our genes and memories, in our internalized values and expectations. We are shaped by them and bound to them: across continents and generations, even across broken contacts and death.”
Psychologist and family therapist Sandra Konrad recorded what exactly our upbringing and family tradition do to us in her book “That stays in the family”. Especially when we realize that we are carrying problematic qualities or values within us and carry burdens or unhealthy expectations that have their roots in our family, the book can help us to detach ourselves from them – or to recognize them in the first place.
The author makes it clear what the procedure should be if we want to shed old burdens: It is important to first understand where they come from and what triggered them. Konrad begins with many examples from her therapeutic everyday life. For example, performance-oriented families who (consciously or unconsciously) have transferred their wishes and expectations to their children. The psychologist makes it clear what can happen when children suffer from too much pressure or even break under it and how hard they work towards the affection of their parents and sometimes even cross borders to keep it.
She writes about “Berts” aka children who cannot detach themselves from their parents because they do not let them and put them under emotional pressure or manipulate them. And of many other unhealthy family structures that sometimes cause the family to break up in silence and many children are not strong enough to stand up to years of tradition.
Konrad also explains how unhealthy and self-destructive beliefs can form. Even if the parents didn’t intend anything bad with their upbringing and – on the contrary – sometimes even want to make up for the mistakes of their own parents, the offspring sometimes suffer greatly and suffer emotional injuries that usually last into adulthood who will later have a relationship or raise children and, in the worst case, stay forever. And that’s only because your own parents didn’t manage to work through and put aside their own family burdens, but continue to carry them on.
Sandra Konrad makes it very clear when what we have learned becomes unhealthy, why we sometimes act the way we do, why we (unconsciously) adopt unloved characteristics of our parents and what it takes to change. She explains that it is a difficult, long way, but in most cases it is worth it in order to be able to live a carefree life. The family therapist provides support with questions and helpful approaches, some of which can be eye-opening.
And even if you don’t have any family-related trauma or constant everyday problems, it makes sense to read the book because it helps to understand the people around you a little better and to recognize that sometimes it’s not their fault , if you see life as a competition or if you don’t manage to be loving to your partner.
The book is written in a way that is understandable and close to everyday life, picks up on different situations and encourages you to think more deeply about your own childhood and family structures, perhaps also about the upbringing of your own children. An aspect that is particularly important to me in this series. After all, the books presented should not only be tips that, after being read once, gather dust in the corner and are forgotten. But those that bring us further and enrich our perspective or, at best, our lives. That definitely applies to Sandra Konrad’s book.
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