It’s been weeks since I heard from my friend Lena*, if not months. Two years ago she became a mother. When we were sitting in a café and she brought me the good news, I was honestly and really happy for her and her husband. Little did I know at the time that this would start a countdown of weeks of pregnancy that would also mark the dying process of the friendship.
Many women who have children are suddenly no longer the same people. Of course, as a single person, it is also clear to me that having a child means a lot of effort and also some self-abandonment, but a cool girlfriend who had interests and hobbies often only becomes one thing: a mother animal. The catalog of topics from which you can still choose as a friend starts with inflamed nipples and ends with leaky diapers and visits to the baby choir. Sometimes the most chilled woman suddenly turns into a hysterical mother hen who won’t let her child out of her hands for two minutes. Sometimes not even to your own husband.
As a good friend who doesn’t have a husband or family to take care of, I try to be understanding and adapt to her times and places for meetings and phone calls, but this means a lot of adjustment and flexibility for me. Because even if some women don’t work at all anymore, you are suddenly pressed into gap fillers and phone timeslots, such as Wednesday 5-6 p.m. Never at the weekend, because that’s Happy Family Time and it’s not possible after 7 p.m. either, because she goes to bed with the two-year-old herself. I stare in amazement at the very limited appointment suggestions on WhatsApp and wonder if she has actually forgotten that some people work full-time. I can’t come to visit at 12 noon and I can’t make a call at 5 p.m. either.
Because she has a baby and I can’t understand how much effort it is and of course I like my girlfriend, I try to adapt where possible. Visit her on days I’m free, cut phone calls when the little one cries, and keep in touch so we don’t lose touch altogether.
It saddens me that so many women who become mothers suddenly have no interests, suddenly no hobbies and I don’t mean the single parents or the time right after the birth when the baby is still very small. Many of them have found such great husbands and fathers and I observe that 80 percent of those around me: these “super daddies” hardly lift a finger. When he comes home from work or at the weekend, when sport, Playstation or something else is popular, then he is “free”. Even if she’s on the phone and he’s at home too, she’s the one who interrupts the call and takes care of the crying child. He’s sitting on the couch and is on draft. Nevertheless, the weekend is of course there to make a “Happy Family” at the autumn market.
But for once I have to take a stand for the men, because what I’ve also observed is that many women enjoy the role of “super mom” to no end. They are the ones who are irreplaceable. They often want it that way, even if they have long since stopped breastfeeding. They want to put the child to bed every night and then crawl in with them, even though the father could and might do the same if they let him. They want to be the child’s closest caregiver, so they often give themselves up, give up all interests and are then just the mother animal.
But that’s not easy for me as a friend either, not only the need for maximum flexibility in terms of time and adaptation to the daily rhythm of my mom’s friend if I want to continue seeing and hearing her. The content of the conversations also lose quality. No wonder, since she experiences nothing other than the playground and the toddler group.
But because I love my girlfriend, I don’t say anything and swallow it down when the only phone call weeks later is interrupted by the baby’s crying and I even say a bit bitchy: “Is your husband not at home and can he just go there?” and she whistles into the phone: “Dooooch, but I’ll do it and call you back”. But often the call never comes, because then she falls asleep next to the child while he scratches his crotch on the couch. I sit miles away for the next two hours, staring at my phone so I don’t miss Lena’s call back. But it doesn’t ring. Disappointed, I also give up at some point, go to bed and wasn’t even able to tell one important thing about my life. Because in the life of mothers often only one thing is important, the family. Unfortunately, they no longer notice what is happening around them.
* Lena has a different name in real life
