It can hardly be understood with the logical mind and yet the reality: A relationship with a narcissist usually means a lot of suffering and grief for the partner, but ex-partners of narcissists are usually worse off after the breakup than people who are out of a healthy relationship.
“You can be so glad that you got rid of him/her!”, the environment of those affected and those who have recently separated from narcissists usually has a very clear attitude towards love from the relationship. Nevertheless, the boyfriend/girlfriend suffers enormously from the loss. A condition that also puts a strain on friends and family, because from the outside you often look at a relationship that has often experienced more downs than ups. The understanding of the other person leaves a lot to be desired because those around them usually do not know what it means to have been in a relationship with a narcissist.
The personality disorder narcissism is often characterized by charisma, extroversion, charm, intelligence, good looks and humor. In the negative, but also through manipulation, suppression, gaslighting, psycho-terror, lack of empathy, lies and taking advantage. Characteristics that can leave serious wounds in the partner, up to and including post-traumatic stress disorders.
Well, one could think, especially with such a relationship, it’s good that one has it behind oneself, but that is a fallacy, at least as far as the suffering afterwards is concerned. In terms of life, it is certainly the only right way, because otherwise a relationship with a narcissist means self-abandonment. The partnership with such people is usually one big roller coaster ride with ups and downs.
Such a relationship thus varies between deeply saddened and very happy about recurring reconciliations, which can lead to a kind of addiction. The times of relief were too good when you got along again. In addition, according to the cliché, the narcissist is known to have two faces. After a breakup, however, one mainly remembers the good times and the often unfulfilled beautiful words. People with this personality disorder tend not to match their words with their actions. But the other person also longs for a separation after the fulfillment of the empty words. An endless loop begins in the head like “But he/she always wanted to do xy with me” or “He/she said that we’re getting married soon, for example”. Narcissists use words like weapons. Play with their opponent, read what the needs are and then say exactly that, usually to achieve a goal such as dependency, financial enrichment or power over the other.
As a partner, however, you often do not notice this game, or much too late. But then it is already difficult to distinguish between reality and deception. In addition, the relationship with a person who has a narcissistic personality disorder takes a lot of energy. The goal of the narcissist when making the other dependent is often that at some point the latter is so mentally weakened that he can hardly speak back. Another building block in the perfidious game of personality disorder is to suppress the other.
So after a breakup you feel deceived, thoughts about truth and lies continue to ride a roller coaster, many questions remain unanswered and your energy level has reached zero. So it’s not very helpful if those around you keep emphasizing “how lucky you can be” to be rid of your ex-partner. It is often more helpful to simply listen or to help shed light by analyzing unclear past situations together over and over again.
Sources: SWR, Oberbergkliniken
