Dear Ms Peirano,
I met a woman (Eva) two years ago with whom I get on better than I have with any woman before. She is very attractive, sexy, confident, funny and charming. And much more.
My problem is that Eva dances tango and I’m jealous. She has been dancing quite intensively for ten years, goes to many dance events (milongas) and half her circle of friends consists of tango dancers.
Since she also dances internationally and then always goes to a festival or an encuentro for a weekend, she gets to know a lot of new people, dances with them, sometimes shares a room or an apartment.
Eva is actually very open about the situation and also includes me. I know some of her friends from tango, we talk about it openly and she also understands my jealousy. Sometimes she gets annoyed and feels restricted, but she also says clearly that she doesn’t want to lead a life without tango.
I think that many people see a kind of limit in tango – you get very close, hold the other in your arms, smell each other, flirt or experience eroticism. And I often lie awake at night when I know that she is out and about in Istanbul, Barcelona or Naples, dancing with strange men. Or just go dancing with us in Berlin and then come to my bed at night and smell like a lot of other men. That hurts me.
Eva understands me and she also asked me if I just wanted to come along and take a look or if I wanted to do a beginner’s course myself. But I’m not a dancer and it would be even worse for me if I could see what Eva is doing directly. She’s a very good dancer and I don’t want to see her melt away in the arms of other men. I’m pushing that a bit too.
And forbidding her – or talking her out of tango – wouldn’t work at all. Dancing is her passion and I know in my head that you shouldn’t take something that someone loves because then you won’t even be yourself anymore. I play in a band and it wouldn’t be okay if my partner took that away from me. But that’s something completely different, because I’m not lying in the arms of other women, I’m standing behind my drums.
Do you have any tips for me on how to get my jealousy under control?
Best regards
Konstantin B.
Dear Konstantin B.,
I can well understand that it is not easy for you that your girlfriend dances the tango so intensely and – as is customary with tango nthe pri – holds other men in her arms and enjoys the music with them and sometimes also erotic feelings has.
In every epoch and every society there are certain rules and guidelines for what is appropriate: how you can dress and what is too provocative. How to touch other people (especially those of the opposite sex) and how not.
And tango goes beyond the scope in many ways, as two people hold each other’s arms intensely without any preparatory banter and move cheek-to-cheek, lips-to-ear of the other (if that’s the right size) to the music.
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. In my PhD, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or lovesickness? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
At first glance, it looks very erotic and intimate, and I know that it is very difficult for many partners to watch or imagine it.
And it is also very exciting, confusing and scary for many people who are just starting to do tango themselves at the beginning to suddenly get so close to foreign dancers. A look, a nod, and you’re in each other’s arms.
But the tango has been around for over 100 years and the problem of jealousy has also been a side effect of the tango for over 100 years.
That is why there are certain rules of conduct in every tango community so that physical and emotional chaos does not break out. You learn how and where to hug – and what is too close. You agree on how to ask and how to turn down someone you don’t want to dance with. And it is also regulated how long you dance with someone.
At dance events it is customary and desirable to constantly change partners and not dance the whole evening with one person. That’s why, after four tangos, there is usually music in between and the dance floor empties so that everyone can find a new dancer. This prevents you from focusing too much on one person and building up too much intimacy. With tango you learn to quickly allow closeness, but just as quickly to let go again. Because the tango is a social dance where you dance with many and not just with one.
Your friend has been dancing for ten years. This means that she has definitely learned to deal with the quick approach and the letting go and switching in tango. And she probably doesn’t lose her composure so quickly anymore when things crackle a bit while tangoing with someone. After all, you know: After twelve minutes, the beautiful magic is over again. You learn to deal with that too.
How about you ask your girlfriend more about it? There are often certain horror fantasies that you imagine that create fear or discomfort. For example: The girlfriend goes dancing, meets a particularly attractive man, dances with him the whole evening and then she goes to bed with him – or falls in love.
Of course, that can happen, just as it can happen anywhere: At work, at a private party, in a sports club. But tango is more about the community and the group – and that absorbs some of the eroticism that’s aimed at a specific man. One could also say: tango dancers have gotten used to the erotic background noise and the sudden closeness with strangers and remain relaxed.
You could also say: Anyone who has been dancing like their friend for ten years and is used to holding strangers in their arms no longer gets excited so easily. And certainly not out of control.
How do you and Eva actually talk about what she experiences at the dance events? Do you have any insight from descriptions or photos (e.g. Facebook, Instagram) of who she is talking to, sharing an apartment or room with? Do you know what she’s all about when she dances? Does Eva include you in the stories and share her experiences and feelings, or is there tension immediately when she talks about it? Do you also get involved in some decisions – like when she leaves – and are you okay with that? Or do you feel like you’re being ignored when it comes to dancing?
And most importantly, what is Eva’s (and your) value of loyalty? Do you have the impression that Eva has similar ideas as you? Or are there uncertainties? For example, has Eva ever had an affair during a relationship or is she open to a one-night stand?
I would advise you to clearly separate this attitude of fidelity from the tango. Because tango is about eroticism and dancing together to sensual music, but it’s not a free pass for sex! Some people do it that way, but you can also experience it at work, on Tinder or at a sports club.
Your jealousy will probably not go away completely through talking, but some films from the mental cinema will perhaps change for the better if you know more about the tango scene per se and also about how Eva deals with the tango world.
I would recommend that you feel your way into this quite strange and sometimes disconcerting world and see how it affects you.
Maybe then some general conditions and agreements will become clearer, which will help you both to deal with the situation that your girlfriend is a tango dancer.
I wish you an intensive exchange!
Best regards
Julia Peirano
