Hello dear Julia Peirano,
my problem is tricky and i just can’t get any further. Perhaps you have one or two inspiring thoughts for me.
I’ve been in a relationship for 15 years, almost five of them married. It was always the case that I had a crush on other men from time to time, but that was over very quickly after two to three weeks. Almost a year ago I had such a crush again, I find my doctor very interesting! Almost three weeks ago I fell in love with him at an appointment.
I haven’t the faintest idea what happened that day. He was nice and didn’t talk much, like always. All I really notice is that I was more relaxed than usual at the time. But I’ve been thinking about him almost non-stop ever since. I imagine kissing him, sleeping with him, living with him, talking to him about what we have in common. It’s never been that extreme and if I’m honest, I don’t think it’s ever been the same with my husband.
This whole situation irritates me. I have no idea what specific question to ask you. Except what does that mean? As I write this, may I be drawn to his caring nature?
I am very happy to read from you, I wish you a good time.
Clara T.
Dear Clara T,
It sure isn’t easy what you’re going through. Falling in love is a very strong and obsessive feeling that takes over you completely. And it can also be quite agonizing when the infatuation is not reciprocated or cannot (and should not) be lived out. This is not a trifle!
She would like to know what it could mean. Your doctor seems to be a very attentive listener, at least in his professional role. And that’s what attracts you at the moment. What about caring, attention and affection in your long-standing relationship? How do you experience your husband and how do you experience yourself towards him? Is the open ear and non-judgmental interest something that’s just become a little rare in your relationship?
Being in a relationship and falling madly in love with someone else can be a reflection of the current relationship.
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. In my PhD, I researched the relationship between relationship personality and happiness in love, and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or lovesickness? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
For example: My partner is a romantic, sensitive person but takes 15 minutes to boil an egg. I fall in love with our architect, who has both feet on the ground, is skilful and also good at planning. Or: My partner is successful, interested in facts and figures and very top-heavy. Sober and loyal. I fall in love with a charming adventurer who travels the world, is in nature a lot and lets the future come his way and doesn’t think much of loyalty because that defines him.
It would be helpful to see if there’s something missing in your relationship that you’re missing. Sometimes everyday life takes over a little too much with e.g. remodeling, fixed working hours, a thousand errands or caring for relatives, raising children. How about talking to your husband about how you both experience the relationship and what you want? Friends bought a canoe to experience something new again.
Maybe a special trip or a dance class will help bring some movement back into your life. Or you have regular dialogues with each other, as is described in detail in the couple therapy classic “The truth begins in twos: couples in conversation” by Michael Lukas Möller. Communication about feelings, needs and dreams is often neglected in everyday couple life.
Regarding the doctor who sparked your infatuation, I can advise you to consider whether you can allow yourself to feel these feelings. Psychotherapy is a constant effort to accept your feelings. This also makes a lot of sense, because you can’t really do anything about your feelings and you can’t suppress them either. On the contrary, the less I want to think about a pink elephant riding a unicycle while playing the trumpet, the more I have to think about it… you probably do too.
Of course, it is crucial whether you not only feel these feelings, but also live them out (i.e. start an affair with the doctor). I would advise against that. For one thing, you’re married and affairs are mostly poison, if not death, for a relationship. Even if there are some voices who see it differently (“an affair heats up the relationship again” or “an affair saves the relationship”): an affair with the associated lies destroys trust in a relationship, can traumatize the partner, burden and confuse you (up to serious mental illnesses).
On the other hand, it is your doctor, whom you have got to know in his professional role. You probably know little about how he is in his private life, whether he is self-attached, etc. I know doctors who are very caring and caring towards their patients, but regularly cheat on their own wife or left her with young children. Of course, that doesn’t have to be the case in your case, but maybe it will help you to know that in private he doesn’t have to be the way you idealize him. And he is also your doctor, which means that he is not allowed to meet you privately as a patient or start a sexual relationship with you. Doctors are forbidden from having or tolerating sexual contact with their patients.
Have you ever thought about finding another doctor? There’s always a fine line between a comfortable crush (2-3 weeks, or I’m 2-3 hours after seeing an attractive actor in a movie) and a painful infatuation. And the best way to end an infatuation is to pull the plug and stop seeing each other. As hard as that sounds. Everything else is grueling.
In your case, that would probably be the easiest, because you (are not) allowed to have any private contact with him. And the most productive and partnering thing would be to focus on your marriage and figure out what might be wrong right now.
Kind regards and all the best to you
Julia Peirano
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