You decide to approach the clarifying conversation differently this time, to choose a different type of communication, tone of voice and words, and before you know it, everything is as usual. In deadlocked relationships with potential for conflict, it is very difficult to find a way out and a solution. The partners trigger each other so that they fall into the same pattern of arguments over and over again. There doesn’t seem to be a solution in sight.
But according to psychologist Nina Uffelmann, it doesn’t have to stay that way. Your insider tip? “Stop talking to each other and write each other a letter instead.” You can express your feelings in writing without being interrupted – you avoid the crisis carousel of communication.
The psychologist recommends paying attention to the following points for this relationship-saving document:
PerceptionIn interpersonal relationships there are often different perceptions of a situation. But in a conflict discussion it becomes clear again and again that one thinks that only one’s own reality can be the only correct one. It is all the more important to realize that you can only define your own feelings. In a letter you should always write from your own perspective: I feel the situation this way and that, it’s close to me because… etc.
No condemnation In the letter that is intended to save the situation, one should avoid judging or condemning the other person. You can describe how you perceived situations, but you should refrain from assuming the motivation and motive behind your actions. Hostility, insults, sarcasm and accusations should also be avoided. Sticking to the facts and not drifting into your own interpretations is the motto.
Open and questioning formulationsBefore you accuse someone of something, you should choose open and questioning communication: “It struck me as such and such, did you mean it that way or did you want to express something else?”, for example. In this way, you give the other person space so that they can explain themselves, you are more open to solution-oriented communication and you can sometimes learn something about the other person through an insight.
Don’t lose sight of the big pictureThe psychologist advises not to lose sight of the big picture: “To what extent is the problem you have with your relationship involved in a big life dream that has not been fulfilled? Or an important concern that you have or had in your life?” It is important to take a look into the distance, especially if the spiral of conflict affects your own goals and desires in life in some way. As an example, she cites: “I didn’t expect it like that… I always saw us as xy… “. It is important that the partner knows what their own overall picture is.
Calmness It is important that the letter is formulated and written calmly and read through several times before sending it. Could something be taken the wrong way? Should we still tweak one or another formulation? The psychologist also advises not to send the lines via messenger. Why? So that there are no affective answers and the partner really takes the time and calm to read what has been written.
Before you start writing the letter, it can also help to make bullet points of what really bothers and bothers you and then sort them by priority. Maybe not everything has to be in the (first) letter. Focusing on the essentials can help avoid scaring and overloading the recipient.
Those: Nina Uffelmann
also read
“We have to talk” – This is how you should have a problem conversation in a relationship
This is how relationship problems affect our mental health
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