Bringing up: Certainly often not easy, but necessary, isn’t it? In the life of Fiona Lewald and daughter Nana, traditional upbringing doesn’t play a role because it simply doesn’t exist. Nana is not brought up. You can decide for yourself what you want and what you don’t want. Before you let out an outcry: this attitude works for Fiona Lewald. In her blog, unbebenkindsein.de, the 26-year-old writes about her everyday life with Nana.
Education as abuse of power? For many parents, this is certainly nonsense, because how is education supposed to work when children and parents have equal rights? Doesn’t one part always have to have more say in order to make decisions or find solutions?
Not with the Lewald family. “We refrain from using punishments or rewards to force our daughter to behave in the desired way, or to sanction undesired behavior. Instead, we find solutions to conflicts that take into account the needs of everyone involved,” says the blogger.
What can that look like in concrete terms: Fiona always reacts to the situation. That means, first she tries to understand what Nana’s needs are and to take them as seriously as possible. For example, if Nana wants to play in the evening and Fiona needs more rest, she tries to find a compromise. “We can then agree on something that we can come to terms with. When we cuddle on the couch, for example, we recharge our batteries, Nana can leaf through a book and I can put my feet up. My child’s presence bothers me when I have peace and quiet not”, explains the mother.
It has to be mentioned that Fiona herself says that Nana is a child who is easy to talk to. This approach might not necessarily work for a child prone to the sadly typical tantrums that are sometimes common. Nevertheless, the following applies to Fiona: “Talk about it. It’s normal, just like I would do with other people.” Instead of banning or scolding. In her case it seems to work.
Of course, Fiona Lewald doesn’t work without framework conditions either. Nevertheless: “We talk about unfortunate situations at eye level. We explain. We set an example.” That also means that Fiona Lewald intervenes when necessary. But it is not scolded, but explained.
If Nana wants to do something that her mother doesn’t want, it won’t be forbidden, but Fiona asks herself why Nana wants that at this moment and tries to find a solution for it. Many parents are probably thinking “exhausting” now. It’s also true: “Being raised isn’t necessarily an easy path. I was brought up myself and am often confronted with the behavior patterns I’ve learned. It’s then difficult for me to accept a situation or a wish from my daughter because my raised self says, ‘You do that not!’ Or ‘It has to be!'”
Adjusting herself to her daughter’s wishes was also a development for Fiona. Example: put on a jacket. If Fiona is already freezing, Nana doesn’t want to put on a jacket for a long time. Incomprehensible to Fiona, but she accepts that Nana freezes less quickly than she does. With all the consequences. But there are limits here too: if Nana is visibly freezing, that’s the limit. “Then there’s the need for warmth, which I put above the desire not to wear a jacket,” says Fiona. As a rule, Nana can then be persuaded to put on a jacket. The only difference to bringing up children is that they don’t say from the outset: “You have to put on a jacket because it’s cold”, but Nana experiences it herself.
Dealing with your own child is a highly sensitive topic. But it is precisely here that parents eye each other very closely. How does your own child react? How do children treat each other? Fiona Lewald encounters negative reactions to her “uneducated” attitude, especially on the Internet.
In everyday life, the reactions are rather positive because Fiona prefers calm and serenity with Nana. Because this is exactly what you have to bring with you if you reject classic “education”. “A waiter was once happy that our daughter was crouching happily under our table and we ‘let her be a kid’. Now and then there is of course a shake of the head or a biting comment when my daughter just walks next to me without a jacket, but there let’s stand it. My child is a happy nature and rather calm, she rarely offends anyone.”
Especially when dealing with their own child, there are many paths that parents can take. Every family has to find their own path here. Anyone who is open to other paths is certainly at an advantage and can perhaps pick up a solution for their own child here and there.
The Danish parenting expert Jesper Juul, who among other things wrote the book “No out of love”, gives tips on how and when parents should say “no”. We asked Fiona how she felt about his approaches.
