The parent-child relationship is probably the most intense that we experience in our lives. Mr. Dierssen, you wrote a book about a missing connection between parent and child. Why?
Dr. Oliver Dierssen: I had the feeling that an issue that is so big and was taken up in so many conversations in our clinic was not sufficiently discussed in public.
Her book is called “When your own child is a stranger to you and your child feels the same way about you.” What exactly is this about?
My impression from many consultations was that it is very scary for many parents to realize that they are fundamentally different from their own child. This also causes fear and unsettles many parents. The realization of difference can initially result in a lot of frustration and disappointment. Because as a parent you often wish for something different.
For example?
The longing for unconditional love is inherent in most people. Nevertheless, most people experience that there is no such thing as limitless love, but that the other person always has their own person with a different approach to the world. You just have to accept that. But there are people for whom this is extremely difficult. They then experience this as rejection. They often hope for the love from their child that they have not been able to experience before. But children are their own people too. This in turn leads to feelings of rejection and disappointment.
And what does a healthy way of dealing with these feelings look like?
Accepting differences plays a huge role in many parent-child relationships. And real empathy. This doesn’t just mean knowing what the other person needs, but also really accepting that there is another person with their own needs and feelings that are worth exactly as much as my own. That doesn’t mean that my child can do everything. It’s more about recognizing that my child can and may experience the situation completely differently than I do.
As a caring parent, how can I learn to give my child more emotional space?
It is important to be able to separate my feelings from those of my child. If my child is sad and I notice that it makes me sad too, then those are my feelings and not those of my child. So I should also start with myself to deal with the feelings.
So shouldn’t we comfort our children when they cry?
The pain of our children is sometimes difficult to bear. When our child cries, we sometimes tend to want to comfort them – to comfort ourselves. The trick is not to eliminate the child’s negative feeling as quickly as possible, but to accompany the child through the feeling. So to endure the sadness instead of turning it off.
But that is much easier said than done…
That’s correct. There are parents who always cry when their child cries. They then say it’s tearing them up inside and they can’t help it. They often experience themselves as very compassionate. But I would advise that I have to work on myself if I notice that I can’t stand my child’s sadness.
And how do I work on it?
There is nothing wrong with talking openly with your child about your own feelings and, for example, seeking comfort from a friend. What often happens instead is that the children then comfort the parents. As a result, children learn that they are partly responsible for their parents’ emotions.
It sounds like it could have a negative impact on the children.
Exactly. During adolescence, it is almost normal in our practice for patients not to tell their parents how they are feeling out of guilt and making the adults sad. We always tell the young people that their parents are usually storm-proof. Even if they can’t sleep or cry – they have had a long life and have been through a lot, so they can also share in the problems.
Will young people eventually be able to break away from their parents’ influences?
It has long been thought that the bonding experiences we have as children continue throughout our lives. We now know that relationship patterns change over the course of our lives. So we can have bonding experiences that override our parent-child relationship. But you have to do it too. So it’s important to let new people approach you.
What can parents do to avoid such distance in the first place?
An important step is to take responsibility for your own life and feelings. My child doesn’t have to make me happy or love me unconditionally; I am solely responsible for my emotions. If my life isn’t going well, I change something myself.
In your practice you experience many cases of complicated parent-child relationships. What should this bond ideally look like?
A healthy parent-child relationship consists of closeness and distance. This means that attachment security is evident in a situation in which the other person is not available. The parent must allow closeness and distance at the same time, even if it is difficult and frightening.
What does that mean specifically?
The child must also be allowed to discover other sides of themselves – and not just the sides that I already know. Because: No matter how well I know my child, I only ever know a part of them. A person is more complex. When I realize that my child has many hidden sides, I may sense that my child needs more than just time with me as a parent.
