Dear Ms. Peirano,
I am 52 and have been separated from my wife Sabine for four years. We have two children (Helene, 14 and Luca, 12) who we look after on an alternating basis – the children are each with her for a week and with me for a week.
Sabine comes from a very rich family and is a dentist. Of course there was a prenuptial agreement, and after she found a new (and higher-earning) boyfriend and cheated on me, we broke up. Of course she stayed in her house, I moved into a small apartment. I had worked on a start-up until 2017, but a competitor had the same idea and came to market faster. Since then I have been working in a call center and sometimes have to take weekend shifts to make ends meet.
Money has always been very important to Sabine, she knows this from her family, and she makes extreme use of her financial superiority. Keyword vacations: She rents a huge finca with a pool in Ibiza and invites her children’s friends along. Sailing, surfing, diving included. I go on vacation with the children to the Baltic Sea or have tried to go on bike rides with them. It’s clear that the children, who are now comfortable and spoiled, prefer to travel with Sabine.
And sometimes she rents a finca during the time when I actually have the children and gets it into their heads that they are welcome to come along, that there are also families who are friends of theirs there at the same time, and that they just have to ask me whether I agree. What should i do then? I grudgingly say yes because I can’t offer the children such things and I want them to be happy.
Helene and Sabine ride and have their own horses. The stable is also close to Sabine, and tournaments often take place during my time. When I take Helene to the stable, Sabine’s horse friends look at me with pity and I feel like the last idiot.
But I’m good enough to take on the annoying appointments. Orthodontist, vaccinations, studying for math exams, repairing broken bicycles. She likes to blame me for all of this, even at the last minute: “Oh, Helene had so much to do and has math the day after tomorrow. You’ll have to sit down with her again.”
And that’s why it’s always high life with Sabine and her new boyfriend. Pool parties, great smoothies and snacks for the kids and all the friends, the cost doesn’t matter and the housekeeper replenishes the supplies, restaurants, hockey and, as I said, the horses. This is the standard for the children.
Luca isn’t too spoiled by the money yet and plays football and hockey in my area. He is relatively happy with what I can offer him. But the children also have to sleep in one room with me. Helene doesn’t like that.
She constantly complains about Luca and always tries to find reasons to stay with Sabine. And Sabine looks at what is best for herself. Sometimes it suits her that the children are with her more often and she lures them with bait. And sometimes she wants to be child-free with her partner and then changes the times to suit her. Then she accuses me of having the children more often and urges me to take them spontaneously. Even if I have to work and then can’t be there for the children.
I feel like I’ve been put up against the wall and like a perpetual loser. It really worries me that I don’t play as much of a role in my children’s lives as I would like.
What can I do?
Kind regards, Frederick G.
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. During my doctorate, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or heartache? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
Dear Frederick G.,
That sounds like a messy situation, especially for you and the children. Basically, it can be good for children to get to know two different worlds because it broadens their horizons. Children whose parents come from different cultures (e.g. father Vietnamese, mother German) have to adapt more, but they are also at home in two worlds and can choose how they want to mix these worlds. For example, whether they want to cook (speak) Vietnamese or European or both. And in terms of their values (family cohesion, raising children, sense of community) they receive two very different offers and can choose.
In your family system, however, it sounds as if there is no peaceful coexistence, but rather competition or competition for the children’s favor. And that is fatal because it often turns the children into opportunists. If both parents or even just one parent throws out the agreements and offers advantages for the children (“You don’t have to eat Brussels sprouts with Dad. Come to me, I ordered pasta with shrimp”), then they compare Children and try to get the best out of it for themselves. As is common in the market economy (e.g. when comparing prices for rental cars or telephone contracts), but should not happen in a family.
And Sabine also seems to encourage this attitude of lure offers and trumping, because she has the better hand in her hand. She also allows herself not to stick to agreements and always get the best out of herself.
She cheated on her husband and left her because she found a supposedly better (or richer) partner. She ensures that the annoying tasks are left to you and she can take on the fun part herself, which in turn makes her more attractive in the eyes of the children. And she exemplifies this to the children and seems to be successful with it. (At this point I think of ABBA’s so apt song: “The winner takes it all, the loser’s standing small.”)
I can understand that you see yourself as a victim of circumstances and have the impression that they are no match for your ex-wife’s financial possibilities. I would advise you to try to give up this competition and focus entirely on yourself and your role as a father. What would you like to give and convey to your children, regardless of Sabine?
At this point I could recommend a novel that deals with a similar topic. The difference is that the daughter in the novel grows up with her mother and her partner in wealthy circumstances and first gets to know her father, who lives in very simple circumstances. The novel is very lively and worth reading!
Jan Weiler: “The Awning Man”
The book makes it very clear what the biological father can offer his daughter, even though he can only financially provide her with a cramped room in a storage room. From him she gets understanding, a calm listener, appreciation and inner freedom. And over the weeks that she spends with him, the two of them form a fine bond. Think about what you can and would like to give your children that is very personal and comes from the heart.
How would you like to eat with your children and what could be enriching about it? For example, could you cook with your children (and if you can’t, learn to cook together) and thereby create shared experiences? And show them how to be creative, take responsibility and do something meaningful instead of just consuming?
Do you like nature and can you introduce it to your children, for example camping together or building a campfire? Do you like playing cards or other board games? Is there a group that you and the children could belong to? Do you also meet other families when the children are with you? Are there families with whom it is particularly fun and harmonious?
Have you ever thought about a new partner? If you find a woman who has children of her own and whose children your children get along with, that could also give you a feeling of home. Could you do something voluntary together or sell used clothes at the flea market or, or, or?
In this way you could open up other worlds to your children and show them how you can keep yourself busy and experience beautiful things without spending money. Another idea: Maybe you could also think about an allotment garden. It doesn’t cost much, but it could be a cozy world where the three of you get some removal from everyday life.
I hope that you will continue to look at the relationship between yourself and your children and stop comparing yourself to Sabine. This will definitely help your self-esteem, which has been damaged by the divorce and the whole situation.
Get involved with your children and plan together how you want to spend your time. This will then also bear fruit.
Herzlich GrüßeJulia Peirano
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