Dear Ms. Peirano,
I’m 27 and a carpenter. I have always been rather shy and have never pushed myself into the foreground. It’s very stressful for me to talk to strangers when it comes to personal matters. That’s why I don’t go to parties, but instead meet up with my old friends.
It would be even more difficult to approach a woman or date her.
But even small, everyday situations are difficult for me and I’m happy when I don’t have to do them, such as making an appointment with the doctor or complaining about something (e.g. in the store). I’ve kept a lot of things that I didn’t like because I was afraid of attracting negative attention.
In general, I always think about what people think of me and how I come across. I try not to make any mistakes because that would be totally embarrassing.
I think the whole thing has to do with my parents. My parents immigrated from Lithuania shortly before I was born and didn’t speak any German. They were always afraid of attracting attention and did everything they could to avoid making mistakes. They also attached great importance to the fact that I did well in school and was properly dressed. They would never have allowed jeans with holes or cool sneakers. I was always a bit of a good nerd.
Both of my parents are also afraid of talking to strangers or making mistakes. I would really like to free myself from my fears, but how?
Do you have a few suggestions?
Best regards, Matas L.
I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. During my doctorate, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.
Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.
Do you have questions, problems or heartache? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.
Dear Matas L.,
Based on your self-description, it sounds like you suffer from social phobia. Having a social phobia means that you have severe fears of being the center of attention, being observed and judged, making mistakes or approaching strangers. Even everyday situations, such as eating with other people or having a conversation with a stranger, are very anxiety-provoking and can trigger symptoms such as a racing heart, sweating, dizziness, wet hands or blushing.
Most often, the fear of blushing or behaving conspicuously leads to what is known as “fear of fear.”
As is typical of anxiety, social anxiety also leads to avoidance behavior. The people affected generally don’t talk to strangers (if they can avoid it) and, like you, are meticulous about not making any mistakes. They often don’t give presentations (or only do so when they’re very anxious) and can’t let themselves go (e.g. sing karaoke or joke around).
The thought of what other people might think of you takes up a lot of space in the minds of those affected.
The problem is that avoidance behavior prevents us from gaining experience in certain situations. If you never talk to strangers, you can’t experience that nothing bad usually happens. If you never turn down a soup that’s too salty at a restaurant, you won’t learn what it feels like to stand up for yourself. And if you never make mistakes, you don’t learn that the world keeps turning even after a big embarrassment.
For example, I once overslept while my practice was in my house and was woken up by the doorbell ringing at 9 a.m. I answered the door in my bathrobe, half asleep, and there was a new patient in front of me for an initial consultation. Tadaaa! Full blown crap. It was really embarrassing to make such a bad first impression. But in the end I survived and it wasn’t as dramatic as I imagined the situation would have been. The world has moved on and I have become a little more relaxed about dealing with mistakes.
And that’s exactly where behavioral therapy for social phobias comes in. By the way, the diagnosis of “social phobia” is a reason to register for psychotherapy (in this case ideally behavioral therapy) and have it paid for by your health insurance company. In behavioral therapy, confrontation with fearful situations is practiced so that you can experience what reality feels like and at the same time get practice in dealing with difficult situations. This makes you lose the fear of fear and gain self-confidence.
When I treat patients with social phobia, I first clarify the causes. In your case, it is plausible that your parents instilled the fear in you. This would be discussed in therapy until it is understood and worked through. And then it’s time to practice – in reality. You can list exercises that you find difficult and name the level of difficulty. For example: making an appointment with the doctor (4 on a scale of 1-10), knocking over a drink in a restaurant (5 on a scale of 1-10), approaching an attractive woman (9).
The situations are practiced together with the therapist. For example, talking so loudly on the S-Bahn that others can overhear the conversation. A student who was in therapy with me read aloud from a Goethe book on the S-Bahn. This made her incredibly uncomfortable.
Yes, good to know: In the first 5-10 minutes, the anxiety increases and you have some unpleasant symptoms such as racing heart, sweaty hands, etc. However, the body is not able to produce the anxiety symptoms over a long period of time. You get used to the situation. The same thing happened to the student: After 10 minutes, she almost didn’t care that she was sitting on the train and reading aloud from Goethe. She could also live with the fact that people might think she was crazy.
This success encouraged her to do more things afterward: she “accidentally” left her wallet in the supermarket after the cashier had typed everything in. She approached strangers (including attractive boys) and asked about where they could have a delicious lunch. She even played the flute in the street (and we both knew it sounded horrible).
We had two such appointments, 2-3 hours each, and she dared to do things she never thought possible. And then she even gave a speech at your father’s birthday two months later. This form of therapy (behavioral therapy) is very successful if you get involved and take risks. If there is no traumatic event in the background (e.g. bullying), you can practice something before therapy and be more confident, e.g. make a doctor’s appointment.
In therapy, unrealistic expectations are also discussed, e.g. the expectation that a conversation with strangers can be “just pulled off the cuff.” If you want to do something up your sleeve, you have to put something up your sleeve first. Otherwise it won’t work. And since you didn’t learn to talk to strangers in your family and always avoided it later on, I would recommend exactly the opposite: prepare yourself carefully.
Think about topics you want to discuss with strangers (the weather, the food at the party…), prepare questions to ask other people, observe other people making small talk. What would you like to show others about yourself and what would you rather not? What would you like to know from others and what would you not like to know? Talk to friends about how they do it.
By the way, many people feel uncomfortable when they approach strangers at a party. Most people only have one strategy.
Here are two book recommendations for you:
Social phobia – the secret fear: self-help program with practical exercises by Martina Fischer-Klepsch
Have a clever say!: How you can master the art of small talk as an introvert. How to Develop Your Social Skills and Lose the Fear of Talking to New People by Gerard Shaw
I hope that with this knowledge in hand, you will set out on your journey to conquering your fears! It is worth it ..
Herzlich GrüßeJulia Peirano
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