According to a study by the German Society for Sexual Research, just 33 percent of German women have an orgasm during sex – and only four percent of them through vaginal penetration. Most women only achieve climax through clitoral stimulation.
Nevertheless, many women do not experience orgasm – and not just during sexual intercourse. “If the partner doesn’t ‘get it,’ it may be because they’re not touching her in exactly the same way that she’s used to touching herself. This is the technical version. The emotional version is: I can’t do it “Let it be dropped,” is Ann-Marlene Henning’s verdict. The sexual and couples counselor is convinced that most women don’t know their bodies well or simply haven’t had enough experience. “In many women’s brains, for example, there are no synapses that ‘know’ what it’s like to be touched at the G-spot – because there has simply never been any contact there before,” she explains further.
As with any learning process, synaptic pathways must first be created. About sex toys? Your recommendation here is clearly: “Not at first!”. It is initially not good for a woman who doesn’t know herself or can’t satisfy herself to try using a vibrator. “It’s precisely this inner perception that you have to train before something can be associated with pleasure. I advise all women who can’t get an orgasm: learn to touch yourself first.”
There’s a good reason why women have better self-image as they get older than young girls – they know their bodies. “Young women explore their bodies less,” says Ann-Marlene Henning. “They have sex, but often find their vagina disgusting. And if the brain associates something with disgust, then sex is not intended. That’s why I advise: explore yourself, play with yourself. Because the fact is: it’s the brain largest sexual organ”. This sounds quite simple at first, but for many women it is not.
The inhibitions are often so great that it takes a lot of effort to take a closer look at the intimate area. In therapy, the sexologist therefore specifically tries to direct the women’s attention “downwards”. Among other things, she advises her patients to use a mirror to see themselves from a different side – in the truest sense of the word. The most important thing here is the time you have to take for it. According to Ann-Marlene Henning, women could play with sensual oils, light massage candles and create a pleasant mood. “So that it will be a good experience.”
Women often approach the topic too tensely. If you tense yourself too much and don’t breathe properly while trying to bring about an orgasm, you won’t get over the threshold, on the contrary: your excitement will decrease. But: “You can learn to have an orgasm,” reveals the sexologist. Therefore, the training primarily consists of relaxing, simply breathing deeply and – this is the most important point – using your hands to explore your body. Be it alone or with your partner. Only when you know which areas need to be stimulated in order to experience an orgasm can you specifically target them.
Using a vibrator is not (yet) recommended at this point. “The problem is this cramped constant carrying on for many who can’t come. In such cases, I advise against sex toys. They vibrate too strongly. The clitoris likes this, but the vagina doesn’t – because it can hardly feel the vibration. So it doesn’t help at all if you insert a vibrator,” says the therapist, describing the problem. “If you know your body and know how to bring about an orgasm, using a sex toy is definitely recommended.”
She herself has even launched her own erotic card game (YOU! YET! YET!), which is equally suitable for couples as well as those who are newly in love. “There are three rounds in total, which are intended to bring a couple closer together.” It’s not about getting naked as quickly as possible, but about building closeness and overcoming distances with the help of questions, eye contact and gentle touch. Regardless of whether you have just met or have been a couple for many years. In both cases, the game can do a lot of good to bring two people together.
The nice thing is: Once the knot has broken and a woman knows exactly how to reach climax, she can live out her sexuality according to every trick in the book. Together with your partner or alone. “If you have your orgasm under control, you can definitely experiment with sex toys,” advises Ann-Marlene Henning. She especially recommends classic dildos for practice, as the vagina can only feel pressure, not vibration. However, you should use sex toys with caution: “It’s not good if you’re dependent on a vibrating device, meaning you can only cum with it,” she warns.
Vibrators for hanging up are particularly in demand at the moment. They primarily stimulate the clitoris, making them a popular way for women to masturbate. Alternatively, they can also be used during sexual intercourse – there are special models for him and her. “Even during penetrative, i.e. normal, sexual intercourse, there is clitoral involvement,” the sex therapist also knows. All the more valuable is the knowledge that sex toys can help promote orgasm. As long as a woman knows her body and enjoys exploring it.
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While sex toys used to be made of rubber or PVC, most vibrators today are made of medical silicone, which – in contrast to other materials – does not contain any harmful phthalates (i.e. plasticizers) that are absorbed by the vaginal and anal mucous membranes. But sex toys made of hard plastic, glass, stainless steel or ceramic are now also very popular. The question arises, which of these promises the most fun? Here you can find out what advantages the different materials have to offer:
Medical silicone has several advantages: It has a very smooth and soft surface, which makes it particularly slippery. In addition, it is easy to clean and skin-friendly. The material is very robust and resistant, so it does not provide a breeding ground for bacteria that can quickly nest in the smallest cracks. The only downside: silicone-based lubricants damage the material, so only a water-based lubricant can be used.
Acrylonitrile-butadiene-styrene copolymers (ABS for short) is a plastic without plasticizers and is also said to have good lubricity. In contrast to silicone, the sex toys made from skin-friendly plastic are significantly harder – but therefore have a long lifespan. You can also easily clean the ABS with soap and water.
Many people find sex toys made of glass strange because the material is very fragile – but this does not apply to dildos or anal plugs made of shatterproof glass (you still shouldn’t drop them on the tiled floor!). In contrast to other materials, glass is hypoallergenic and can be both cooled and heated: and therefore promises very special, intimate experiences. You can use silicone and water-based lubricant here; cleaning is also child’s play.
Sex toys made of stainless steel are – at least in Germany – made of 100 percent surgical steel, which is also nickel-free. Similar to glass, the material can be cooled or heated and thus provides a special kick. Especially when it is used in the form of an anal plug or nipple clamps. Stainless steel can be easily cleaned with soap and warm water. And the best thing about it is: the sex toy takes on the body temperature.
Ceramic sex toys are much less commonly used, but are still freely available. Much heavier in the hand, the robust material has a number of advantages to offer, such as its good maneuverability and its smooth, easy-to-clean surface. In addition, the material is very skin-friendly as there is no known allergy to sex toys made of ceramic.
Apparently dildos have been around since ancient times in the 6th century (BC) – although back then they were still used for voyeuristic stimulation of the partner. The realization that these can also be used for masturbation only came about much later. At that time they were called olisbos, but the term “dildo” was introduced in the 18th century. What many people don’t know: In its early days, sex toys were still considered a medical aid, for example to dilate the vagina before a natural birth. Today, however, it only serves to increase a woman’s sense of pleasure or to make the love life between two people more exciting. Either way, the topic of sex toys is no longer taboo – after all, it enriches the lives of millions of singles and couples many times over. Especially if it can help you have an orgasm.
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