You wrote a book about being alone. A topic that initially had a rather negative connotation for you, as it did for many people. Why is that?
Marie-Luise Ritter: We live in a very extroverted society where it’s normal to do things together. As a woman, in particular, people look at you the wrong way when you start doing things on your own. As a man, you quickly become the sexy bachelor à la George Clooney. Women are easily pigeonholed as the lonely cat lady. I think it’s funny at first to enjoy being alone because you get a different image of society.
So men find it easier to be alone?
On the contrary. From my personal experience, I know that men often find it much harder to be alone than women. This is also confirmed by one of the studies I quoted in the book. Apparently they need this sense of belonging and closeness much more than we do, or at least look for it more specifically. There’s a form of affection that doesn’t exist in male friendships, but there is in female friendships. Women talk about their feelings and often share them more openly – men usually only have this to the extent within a romantic relationship. But if they don’t have that right now, then they’re missing something elementary. At least that is my expierience.
And yet single men enjoy a different reputation than single women.
Exactly. If you’re a single woman in your 30s these days, you have to justify yourself a lot. This can be a conscious decision for a certain lifestyle and is not automatically a deficit. But many think so. That’s why I wrote the book – because it annoyed me to always have to justify myself.
What did you have to justify yourself for?
Last year I was alone with a small backpack in South America for eight weeks. Among other things, I was in El Salvador and hiked up volcanoes and stuff like that. During that time, I received messages on Instagram every day asking if I wasn’t afraid or how I could do it alone as a woman when traveling. Hundreds of such messages came. That’s when I realized that being alone is a topic that seems to concern a lot of people. And then I started to deal intensively with how I actually learned to do things on my own.
El Salvador is one of the most dangerous countries in the world. So one question comes to mind: Were you really not afraid?
I was never really afraid. At times I didn’t know what to do with myself, I was very bored and a bit lost. I’ve always had a lot of basic trust and self-confidence and trust my intuition, so even in situations where that might sometimes be appropriate, I don’t really worry. Even in El Salvador it didn’t seem dangerous to me.
Basic trust, self-confidence – and trust in the good in other people?
I firmly believe that people can always be trusted. No matter where you are, you can always ask someone for help, ask for directions, or get a smile from them. I’ve met kindhearted people so many times, even in the scariest parts of the world.
But not everyone has good intentions.
The most important thing for me is my intuition. How do I feel in the presence of other people? And to really say no when the situation feels like a no to me.
You traveled to South America alone, went to concerts alone, emigrated alone. What did you learn from it?
What surprised me the most is that when you’re traveling alone, you’re actually a lot less alone. That sounds a bit contradictory at first. But it’s about being at peace with yourself and being able to enjoy the time alone. This automatically develops a more open attitude, especially when travelling, and you get to know people you might not have met if you had taken your home with you. That’s what I like to call my friends. So alone you become more open to new encounters and I think that’s the nicest thing about being alone: everyone is only a split second away, you can always decide to make a new connection if you want to.
You didn’t always have this enthusiasm for being alone. You also write of skepticism and boredom. How did you file that?
To be honest, I involuntarily gave up my respect for being alone. I also write in the book that before a planned trip to Scotland I was left with my boyfriend at the time and then flew alone. That was hard for me – but I think that’s the only way you learn to endure the time with yourself and at some point to appreciate it. It was then that I realized that being alone wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. Of course it was stupid to be left. But I realized that I can get by just fine on my own. That self-efficacy and self-confidence is so valuable.
Are there any activities that you would rather do alone than with others?
Don’t compare time alone with time spent with others. They are two different types of experiences. When I’m out with friends, I have a lot of fun and exchange. So I experience a concert very differently than when I go there alone. For example, I went to a Florence and the Machine gig because before that I was last with her with a friend who had passed away and it was supposed to be a kind of farewell for me. I wanted this experience to myself.
What advice do you have for people who find nothing positive about being alone?
I’m totally okay with not liking being alone. Extroverts in particular need contact with other people at regular intervals in order to be happy. I think being alone is something you should be able to do in order to be able to make a conscious choice between being with someone and being alone.
And how do I make friends with being alone?
A good first step is to consider time spent with ourselves as equal to time spent with other people. Many prefer to while away the time alone rather than enjoy it – just making a ready meal instead of cooking for themselves, or canceling their favorite band’s concert before going alone. Solo experiences can be just as enriching.
What specifically makes being alone so valuable for each of us?
You just get to know each other better. We live in a very noisy society, with a new message popping up or a new task coming up almost constantly. Of course, this also helps you to suppress unpleasant feelings and ignore needs. When you’re really quiet, all these repressed things come up. Many people can’t stand it at first – but it’s worth asking yourself from time to time whether you’re actually on the right path or just going along with it because it’s comfortable.
Many years ago you decided to go public. First on a blog and then in books, you share your thoughts and feelings with numerous readers, expressing what many are thinking – but hardly anyone dares to say it. Why?
I think I just have an extreme need to communicate. I don’t even feel like people read what I write. When I write, I do it primarily for myself. I’ve been writing a diary for years and then happened to develop books from it. Writing is my means of better understanding myself and the world I live in.
When you write, you write above all about love – for life, for other people and for yourself. What fascinates you so much about it?
Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world. I don’t think there’s anything stronger to feel than maybe being proud of someone or something. When you’re able to love not only other people, but also love life, that’s a tremendous enrichment. And I celebrate that with my lyrics.
