Julia is annoyed by her father’s jokes. Felix is bothered that his mother speaks without a period or comma and never lets him get a word in. And I, too, would like to jump out of my skin when my father wants to explain the special features of the family car to me on test laps before I can get behind the wheel. At Christmas, many parents are visited by their grown-up children. Often – at least for me – the tension is already on the way home, knowing full well what discussions, annoyances or conflicts are waiting at home. But why do our parents get on our nerves so much?
Hamburg communication psychologist Constanze Bossemeyer says that anyone who goes to their parents’ house with a rumbling in the pit of their stomach is not well prepared for the visit. “Adult children quickly become tense as they stand at attention waiting for their parents to treat them like children again.” If the thought is already in the back of your mind: “The visit will definitely be really bad again because my mother is sure to talk about my new friend again,” then it is not surprising that the contact quickly becomes uncomfortable.
An explanation for this reaction can be found in communication psychology: it is assumed that we all carry different parts within us, also called inner team members. “For example, a team member developed during puberty to fight for their own autonomy and to distance themselves from overprotective parents. If the mother makes the feared comment, it may be that this inner team member jumps in again and focuses on the widens the inner stage.” And so this person reacts as an adult in the same way as he or she would have reacted ten or 20 years ago. The reason: “We let this inner part take the reins and don’t realize at the moment that we are already adults . As the boss: in our inner team, called the head in communication psychology, we could take on a higher-level role. From this higher-level position, we could well decide which team member we would best send on stage.”
But it’s not so easy not to let one’s nerves be robbed with one or the other comment: Be it the excitement about the jacket that is too thin, the insistence on the third piece of cake or the unsolicited cleaning of the shoes. Everyone can probably remember such a situation with their own parents.
For example, I can be sure that every time I go into the kitchen, my father will either explain to me how to use the microwave or criticize me for not chopping the vegetables properly. Just one sound from my father immediately pisses me off and I react rudely. That’s no wonder, explains Constanze Bossemeyer: “If I’m treated like a five-year-old, the inner toddler takes over, reacting defiantly or rudely.” That’s why we sometimes don’t recognize ourselves at family celebrations, adds Bossemeyer.
This return to the family is not without it. When parents visit, the same discussions and conflicts often arise over and over again. Parents and children slip into old roles, but grown-up children definitely don’t want to slip back into their old roles from childhood and puberty. “Parents jump on old parts that don’t let them realize that their children have long since grown up.” According to the psychologist, this is often not even meant in a bad way, but often results from a well-intentioned, loving impulse.
But even well-intentioned advice from parents can trigger a fight. But if it came from friends, it wouldn’t be a problem at all: “If a friend tells us exactly the same thing as our parents, we can take it easy because we meet at eye level.” In the case of one’s own parents, on the other hand, a conflict develops that apparently revolves around the content of what was said. “But we react to the message on the relationship level: ‘I know what’s good for you!’ But we no longer want to be treated as children,” explains the psychologist. Who, as a 32-year-old daughter, wants to hear that sneakers aren’t appropriate when it’s raining? Or, as a 50-year-old son, let them know what time you’ll be back from meeting old school friends?
The fact that parents and children quickly fall back into their long-established roles is like a reflex, says Constanze Bossemeyer. Abusive behavior on the part of the parents causes the adult children to repeatedly fight for their autonomy. But if you don’t want to be immediately upset by a comment about the clothes, the tenth explanation of the microwave functions or by the parents’ unfunny jokes, you can tell the team member who would react angry, angry, angry or rude that Take the scepter out of your hand.
“Rather than immediately letting an inner child take the inner stage, it can help to take a moment to reflect and consider which part of us should react – an angry, a calm, or a humorous part of us.” It can help to first change your posture and breathe out. A possible answer: “Mom, let it be. I’m already 32 years old, I already know what’s good for me.” Anyone who acts so confidently helps their own parents to realize that their counterpart has long since grown up. The psychologist explains: “Those who don’t fall back into old patterns can redesign the relationship with their parents.”
Another way, of course, could also be to go into conflict when grown-up children no longer want to put up with a certain behavior from their parents, says Constanze Bossemeyer. “The important thing is that we don’t let our childish team members take the stage. When we act from the position of leader, we can consciously decide how we want to react.” And so confident, self-confident, grown-up and maybe even loving in contact with the parents, says the psychologist.
