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For some men, Mareike Schöller* knew after the first visit to a restaurant: “It won’t work.” At the latest when the waiter asked about the bill: “Together or separately?” She habitually answered: “Separately”, but many companions simply ignored her: “I’ll pay, of course!” Just then she felt a shudder inside, and the bad feeling later came true. She never lasted longer with any of these men, who were too controlling and patronizing to her, as she says. Until Jörg Kunert* came. He said: “We can pay separately, but can I invite you too? It was such a lovely evening.” That was the moment she thought: “This could fit.” And they both still think so today, six years later. They agree on many things – and have never argued about money.
Who is allowed to invite whom on the first date shouldn’t decide whether a relationship succeeds – right? Doesn’t it depend much more on character, on external attraction and inner values? Not necessarily. Because actually the answer to “Together or apart?” says a lot more about people than most people realize. It provides an indication of the basic way in which one interacts with others, the influences of one’s parents and, above all, one’s personal attitude towards owning and spending money. Things that become an issue over the course of a relationship or a constant source of contention.
After all, almost one in three reports from the relationship: “We argue about money.” One in ten couples even does it “often,” according to a recent survey by the dating agency Elitepartner. Almost one in five complains about the “wasteful use” of others; Half as many people are still annoyed by excessive thrift. For around half of the younger people and two thirds of the older people, it is also clear that they will not even consider someone who cannot handle money when choosing a partner.
Such findings show that financial issues also determine whether two people stay together as a couple in the long term or not. And contrary to what one might assume, partners do not become more similar when it comes to money matters over the years – on the contrary, the Elitepartner survey also shows this: the longer a relationship exists, the more likely both are to be self-service and secretive when it comes to accounts and securities accounts. That’s why it doesn’t hurt to bring the topic of money to the table early on.
Because when asked “Together or apart?” There are countless others that follow, which always have something to do with money, either directly or indirectly: the first vacation together, a major purchase, the decision to have children, making provisions for old age, and at some point buying a shared property. All of these small and large decisions are always highly emotional, and that’s precisely why most people don’t think about money first – which, however, can turn out to be a mistake over a long period of time.
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